Not long after I finally became pregnant in 2009, I began bleeding. For weeks, my husband and I were stuck in limbo, worried about our child, unable to get the follow-up care we needed because we didn’t have the money, waiting to learn whether my prenatal care was going to be covered by Medicaid. Much anxiety and fear were mixed in with our happiness.

You can watch my YouTube video (link below) or read chapter 7 below.

 

7. Fear

 

Sunday 26 July 2009

My body’s not incredibly changed yet, nothing big…just a dozen little changes here and there, added a couple every day, and sometimes taking away a couple each day, too, just trading the “old” for the new.

 

Tuesday 18 August 2009

Some pretty “severe” cramps today. …

Now they’re fairly strong. I’m a little worried, but not incredibly. … So far, no blood when I use the restroom. …

Maybe the baby’s just going through another growth spurt. I’m more worried because of the stage of pregnancy—twelve weeks, near the end of the first trimester, but not quite. And I know weeks 1–12 are the most likely weeks for miscarriage. …

Crossing my fingers and praying that these aren’t miscarriage cramps. And asking the baby to stay put.

***

Some definite (but very light) blood when I wiped in the restroom. … I know a little cramping and a little bleeding is okay, but man, does it take your breath away for a second…

 

Wednesday 19 August 2009

So we didn’t find out much today. [The certified nurse midwife, Lisa] really is pushing for the first [ultrasound] because I don’t have regular periods and because we haven’t been able to conceive for 3 years, so she wants to make sure everything is okay and to confirm timing of the baby, for various reasons. We couldn’t hear the baby’s heartbeat with the machine, but she had told us that we might not hear it, because 12 weeks is usually about the earliest they can hear it, and sometimes not even then if the baby is turned.

She told me I had a yeast infection, and when I mentioned the slight bleeding, she said she thinks it’s probably more because of the yeast infection, but she can’t be sure without having more data, like the [ultrasound] and a heartbeat…so, yeah. …

And Mike’s freaked out and won’t talk to me about it. I think it’s partly the money but partly the idea of losing the baby. But he just won’t say.

 

Friday 21 August 2009

More bleeding. It’s been continuing since the exam. I read that it is normal for slight bleeding to occur for 48 hours after the exam, but it’s now been closer to 58. … But the bleeding has been getting a little heavier. … At first, I thought the bleeding was from the exam, and maybe even the yeast infection. I’m still hoping it is. And I’m constantly begging the baby to stay and praying that I don’t miscarry.

 

Sunday 23 August 2009

Still bleeding today.

The bleeding got heavier in midafternoon, and now it’s tapered off again. … I’ve had little cramps this evening. … My online searches have revealed to me medical practitioners saying “bleeding is never normal during a pregnancy” and tons of women saying, “but I bled for weeks/months during this-or-that pregnancy, and the doctors never could say why. And everything turned out fine.” What it seems to boil down to is that SOMETIMES, practitioners can find the reason for bleeding, but most times, they have no idea. And they still say that it’s not at all normal to bleed during pregnancy (but the great number of people online having bleeding would seem to indicate otherwise—I’ve found more about pregnant women bleeding than just about any other ailment I’ve looked up online—probably because they’re all disgruntled that their practitioners aren’t giving them any helpful answers…).

And according to the American Pregnancy Association, studies have shown that first trimester bleeding occurs in 20-30% of women. And about half of those lead to miscarriage.

Heavy bleeding can be a problem, sources say. But no one defines heavy bleeding or “bright red.” Is heavy bleeding about the same as my normal period, or more? Is “bright red” Christmas red or fire-engine red? … I want to call the doctor first thing tomorrow, but the response will be that we need to do an ultrasound.

And finally, after researching for days, I see that bleeding during pregnancy can also be caused by low levels of estrogen or progesterone, use of certain medications, and even cervical infections or polyps.

 

Monday 24 August 2009

After praying all night for me and the baby to be healed and for “help” (unnamed, and unspecific, but including many, many things), I woke up this morning to find that the bleeding had nearly stopped. Until about an hour ago. Then I started cramping. I thought it was just gas, but it was painful. And when I next went to the restroom and wiped, the blood was darker. And there was more than there had been since before I went to bed early this morning. So now I’m worried again. Mike tells me I have to think positively, but that’s difficult to do when experiencing pain, especially when the pain is somewhere that a child should be growing within. And, of course, it’s made doubly worse because I can’t just call the doctor and get an ultrasound because we need to see if the baby’s okay. Would that we could, but we simply don’t have an extra $300 or $400 for such an exam.

The day had started out well. … But I called and left a message for the caseworker and am waiting to hear from her about Medicaid before calling the doctor’s office. The longer I wait for her to call, the more worried I get…. And of course, when I’m in pain, it makes the worry worse, and both the pain and the worry make it really difficult to keep a calm, reasonable head.

15:09

 

Tuesday 25 August 2009

Well, I still haven’t heard … about Medicaid (called and left another message this morning), but I don’t feel quite so panicky.

I’m not in nearly the pain today that I was yesterday. …

But as I was drifting off to sleep last night (one of the many times), I tried to “feel out” the baby and see if its spirit was with me. And I called on my grandparents, in my half-awake, half-asleep state, and asked for help, as I’d been praying for days, for whatever is making me bleed to not hurt the baby and for the baby to be healthy, above all else. And I was suffused with warmth and a loving feeling.

This morning, after I got back from the chiropractor’s office, I still felt worried, and I cried a bit in the car before coming in the house, but I begged and pleaded that the baby be all right. As I was pleading it, I saw something white float in from above the bean field and all the way over into the middle of our “yard.” … I figured it was one of three things: a feather, a bit of a flowerhead, or a bundled-up spiderweb. It’s been the case in my life over the past several years (since being given a book called The Path of the Feather) that I have noticed a feather will fall into my path to say that I’m on the right path in my life. Obviously, we have a lot of birds around here, so the feather isn’t a great message system, but it happens quite often that they have actually fallen INTO my path when I’ve been wondering whether a course of action I just took or am considering taking is really good. And they’ve dropped down for comfort.

Anyway, this morning, I knew that if this thing I saw WAS a feather, it was a sign of comfort that the baby is okay, because it was a very light, downy, white, fluffy “feather.” It was like the [feather] dropped down out of the blue clear sky just for me. I realize, physically, of course, that it had to have come from somewhere, but I have enough faith to believe in signs. As soon as I saw that it was, indeed, a feather, my tears stopped, and I was calm.

 

1 September 2009

Oracular Readings

[I want a General reading.] Tell me about my life.

Spirit of the Wheel Meditation Deck

Thunderbird Clan (7)—
Imminent change, life force, rebuilding

Freeze up Moon (26)—
identity, self discovery, vulnerability

Riper Berries Moon (23)—
life lessons, victory, courage

Summary

Be prepared for situations to move quickly & become intense. Burning down of old to make room for new growth. Don’t block or resist necessary changes. Let the energy flow to ultimately create a better life that is more in tune with your spiritual gifts and your purpose.

Letting go of outworn roles to reveal true identity. An opportunity to get back in touch with inner self. Courage & patience required to let go of the roles that have been smothering your inner life. … Allow the parts of [your] true [identity] to emerge, and feel spirit lighten.

Survival. Signals victory over adversity. Past issues resurface because spirit knows you are now equipped to deal with them. Have the strength and courage to accept an abundant life for yourself. Owning your own power comes from accepting and creating abundance through gentle perseverance and strength of will.

Combined prayer: Great Spirit, help me to embrace the changes that are necessary for me to live out my truth. I honor the incredible power of Thunderbird energy. I will use this energy wisely to create a better life for myself and a better world for all my relations.
Help me to have the courage and the faith to believe in myself and to be thankful for the gifts you have given to me.
Help me to have courage and strength to confront lessons as they arise and to accept the rewards for my accomplishments.

 

Tuesday 8 September 2009

Pretty much everyone who knew we were pregnant (in Perry County, at least) now knows that we may have miscarried. I still occasionally get a twinge when I think about the fact that the baby that was growing in my womb may never get to live, and I feel guilty sometimes about feeling okay that the pregnancy may be over. And of coursse I feel guilty for even wanting to bring a person into the world to suffer the things that even people with good, nice, comfy lives experience. So, I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t, figuratively speaking. Oh, baby. Baby, baby, I wish it would stay. I think I have miscarried, but I really hope I haven’t. I’m still holding out hope, but not much. The symptoms just aren’t there, anymore, what few I had. …

Had a migraine yesterday afternoon, been having headaches all weekend. Just now, my vision was blurring, so I borrowed a pair of Mom’s glasses to see if that would help. It didn’t, but then, a few minutes later, there was no blurriness in my vision. I was stumped, but then I started to feel sinus pressure, just like I did yesterday when that “small” headache that later became a migraine hit. … So here I am experiencing all three—headache, stuffy head, and vision issues—and I wonder if it’s caused by pregnancy or the suden change in hormones occurring after a miscarriage, or just something else entirely. … So I’m simply noting now, for posterity’s sake, in case a doctor asks or in case I encounter this in the future…

***

Cramping this evening. …

Oh, [the doctor’s] office called today and said the doctor wants me to get an ultrasound just before coming in for my appointment on Thursday.

***

Thank you for allowing me to share this part of my journey with you. Please let me know what you think so far and if you want to hear/read more of my story.

If this is the first chapter of my story that you’ve read or listened to, you can catch up by listening to all of the episodes on my YouTube playlist, starting here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrRp3gfAJFE&list=PLZ_gyVAJxzK_2sbvu951Hnc46btk9n7hm.

 

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