After the transformation caused by hope in February, March 2010 saw me beginning to experience more direct communication with the Divine, especially through dreams and meditative/prayer experience. More and more things that I was being shown and told began to come true, further cementing my faith in the Divine and the gifts I was being given.

 

Watch my YouTube video using the following link below, or read chapter 16 below.

 

16. March 2010

[T]here is a fundamental risk in resigning oneself to a single, fixed belief system for life. Ultimately, fixed beliefs can become barriers to any direct spiritual experience or understanding falling outside their parameters. This applies to any theology that aims to succinctly summarize and explain the mysteries of God and life with absolute moral authority, offering eternal salvation without referencing free will or the effort of individuals in realizing their innate potential. —Blair Borders, Double Vision

 

Friday 5 March 2010

Blog post:

* Stringham high: Mike has job leads! Manual labor, to be sure, but better than the nothing that was facing him.

* Stringham low: Mike’s unemployment funds ran out today.

* Stringham super-high: The sun [is] shining, the weather is above freezing, and choruses of birds are singing! Not just crows, but birds! Songbirds! Spring! SPRING!

 

I thought we’d start with all that stuff this time, as it’s so important. The Divine has been good, providing for us this week, answering my very scared prayers, sending job leads and apparent immediate openings [for Mike]. …

Who knows, maybe I’ll get my vision completely restored for an Easter/Ostara miracle and we’ll have another Stringham on the way before the year is out! (Guess that spring breeze blowing in, [and] the smell of warm earth with it, is really good for my outlook!) Okay, I’m not completely crazy. I think my vision’s more likely to sneak up on me slowly, in a slow-acting miracle culminating around Samhain/Halloween! I’m not picky. A bit in a hurry, sure, but not picky.

In all seriousness, I’d like to take this opportunity to remind everyone to take a moment to pause, look around, and enjoy the world that’s around you. Really, REALLY stop and indulge in all of your 5 senses for just 10 minutes. Honestly, you never know when ANY one of those senses can be taken away. Just a few months ago, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to see the world this brightly (literally or figuratively) again, and I’m not about to take it for granted again. Neither should you.

Also, it’s not the “season” of Thanksgiving any longer, but I’d like to thank all of you who have expressed your concern and given assistance or support in any way over the past few months, including recently, as I’ve continued to recover, especially emotionally and spiritually. Thank you for all being so understanding and helpful and gracious. Thanksgiving is always in season, and that’s something I’m also trying to remember and practice. My heart goes out to all of you, and I remember you all in my prayers.

 

Thursday 11 March 2010

God is good. A week or so ago, I had a dream that Mike and I were in the car, him driving, and his phone rang. He gave me the phone out of his pocket and asked me to answer, and I answered. I remember the person on the other line being very cheery while I reached into the glove compartment. I don’t remember any words from the [call], but as soon as I woke up, I thought it was strange that the lady I had spoken with on the phone had been so excited to be giving someone a job.

I told Mike the next day about the dream, and he said it would be nice if it were true.

I kept my hopes up. Last week, Mike went to a job fair. … Almost immediately, one of the places emailed him to say they had immediate positions open. … They gave him paperwork … and a couple of days ago, they asked him if he could come in for an in-person interview. So this morning, … Mike [had an] in-person interview. It was basically a preliminary interview for the hiring company. … I waited in the car in front of a gas station, and when Mike was finished, he came out and said that we had to go … right away for orientation for the staffing company. … The lady Mike spoke with [in this interview] said she would give him a call whenever she got a notice that [the company] had an opening she could put him in. There were 18 people in line ahead of him, but he had a lot fewer limitations on when he could work than most of the people [did]. …

[W]e trekked up to Lafayette … for Mike to go through orientation. … Just a few minutes after we had left the orientation … Mike’s phone started ringing in his pocket. It was raining pretty hard, and Mike never answers his phone when he drives. Because I had told him about my dream when I had had it, he handed me the phone to answer instead of leaving it in his pocket and letting the call go to voicemail. So I answered for him (just like in the dream), and a very cheerful woman asked to speak to Mike (just like in the dream). I explained that Mike was busy and asked if I could take a message. She introduced herself as [being from the hiring company] and said she had an immediate opening … if he was interested. He was, so she … asked if I could write down some things for him. … So I reached into the glove compartment (just like in the dream) to get a pencil and wrote down everything he needed. And just like in the dream, [she] seemed very cheerful, very happy to be giving my husband a job.

God is good, and I am still receiving messages; I just have to trust them. And Mike is beginning to trust them now, too.

 

Saturday 13 March 2010

Two wonderful things to write about. First, last night, I had another one of those dreams, the kind I think will be true. I dreamed that … Mike and I were lying next to each other and I realized that we had just made love and I hadn’t once worried about my headaches or freaked out about not being in the mood or pregnancy, or anything. We were simply at the end, and it was wonderful, it had been wonderful, and I knew that it had all happened without any worry or concern on my part, and I was filled with joy, both because it was the first time we had made love in months and because it hadn’t been fraught with concerns. …

At the end of my daily prayers, I asked again to be an instrument of God’s peace and God’s will. I asked that when it comes time for me to speak of the Divine’s work, I be helped finding the right words, the right things to say, so that the message rather than the messenger (me) is focused on. I don’t want to rush in, sharing wonderful news with people, and have them think I’m crazy. That is, I don’t [care] so much if they think I’m crazy, but if it the credibility of the messenger destroys the credibility of the message, that is a problem. So I prayed, in advance, for that help, if it becomes necessary today for me to share word of the miracles that have been happening in my life.

And finally, I opened myself up to the Divine and silenced my thoughts as best I could for any message that the Divine wanted to send my way. Suddenly, I was kneeling on the first prayer bench of a Catholic church, and then someone came in and knelt immediately to my left, touching my shoulder with his. I felt it was Jesus. I was immediately flooded with calm. He crossed himself (just now thinking that was pretty funny) and then said to me, “Don’t be afraid. I’m with you always. I’m always right beside you, right here.” Tears ran down my face. I realized that this was the side…I was on the right hand of Jesus. The phrasing of my childhood and of Christianity suddenly was important, and I realized what it meant to be at the right hand of Jesus…to be protected and calm and loved. But then I wondered why it was Jesus and a Catholic church. I mean really, though I tend to fall back on the language of Christianity often and am drawn back to it likely because of its familiarity, it’s not strictly in Christianity that I find my faith. He said, “It’s not important. This is just how I manifest to you right now, someone you can relate to. Your faith, your understanding is…adequate.” I was given the mental image/understanding that my “version” of faith at least does no harm and, although incomplete, is appropriate.

“Jesus” put his right arm around me and told me that all would be well. When I immediately went into my wonderings of what “well” meant, on the divine scale or on my scale, I was gently chastised that I should still myself, because I know what it means, I just need to accept that only certain words can be used but I have to also accept the feelings and images that come with those words. This manifestation of Jesus said my vision will be returned, my IIH will be gone for good, and I will have a child (without damage to my vision…or was it just without going blind? I can’t remember that part…).

I trusted completely. But trust is not the right word. I knew, without a doubt, that I was being told the truth. The ways of the Divine are mysterious to those of us who cannot understand them. I will always TRY to understand, and I will always question, because that’s who I am, but who knows if I will ever succeed. But I knew, I just knew, because I trust in something higher.

Jesus then left, and I was awash in peace. Then [a dead relative and friend] appeared to me and thanked me for “helping” his daughter before her surgery.[1] I didn’t do much, I thought, but he said it was good what I did. I accepted his thanks gracefully, not really knowing what else to do. What can you do when the spirit of someone you held in great esteem and who died years ago thanks you for helping their child through a trying time on this plane? While in my meditative state, it seemed natural. Now, it seems extraordinary…

I think a few months ago, I would have looked at this current version of myself and wondered what happened to me, how I’m able to trust SO deeply, in spite of the miscarriage, the headaches, the vision issues. (And sometimes I wonder how I’m not bitter.) I could claim that it’s because I finally realized that although I can take charge of certain parts of my life, I had to let go and “let God” in other aspects that I can’t at all influence. But that’s really only a way to find peace, that working at “letting go” of things you know you can’t change. Paradoxically, because you are no longer worrying about those things, you are no longer stressing about them, making them worse, [and] so they become better or, at the very least, they even out.

Is that God’s handiwork or the body’s natural response? Why not both? What if it’s a “trick” God built in to our bodies, rather like Dumbledore’s bit of magic with the Mirror of Erised at the end of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone: Only those who wanted to find the stone—find it, but not use it—could gain possession of it. Sure, I’m making light, but I’m not kidding. It’s a darn good analogy. If Dumbledore can do it, why not God?

[That brings to mind] the conversation Mike and I had last night about the possible desire of a god to … make its presence known to its creation and … how the creation would be expected to recognize [God], given that adage that any sufficiently advanced technology will appear like magic to those who are not so advanced. … You can replace [the word] “magic” with “miracle” or “supernatural.” But what if “magic” is simply the quite real ability to manipulate the universe? There may be what we call technology behind it, but sometimes no technology is needed. [A being] not understanding the science behind something doesn’t mean [the mechanism of action] is either magic or impossible…

 

Sunday 14 March 2010

Well, the dream [about being calm after lovemaking] came true today, admittedly probably because of the dream “getting the pressure off of me”. … [E]motionally, the event was wonderful.

Also, visually, exciting things happening. … This morning, while we were lying in bed, I was looking at Mike and could see most of his face. A few spots didn’t show up quite right, but they weren’t completely missing like they have [been] before.

 

Tuesday 16 March 2010

Today another sight “breakthrough” [better distinguishing between dark shades]. … This is exciting!

 

Thursday 18 March 2010

Got a letter from a collection agency today for one of the doctors who’s been billing me since October. … I’ve called … (the company who was managing my insurance through Medicaid) every time I’ve received a bill. … [T]oday, I called them again and told them about the collection agency, and I was told it would get turned over to [the appropriate person]. …

[T]hen I called the collection agency and told them (as much as they would let me) what was going on, so they took my Medicaid number and said they’d try to get reimbursed … from Medicaid but that this might hurt my credit anyway because it’s gone to collections. I said I understood but it is what it is, because I can’t do much about it.

Meanwhile, I feel like shit because when I call these billing places, they make me feel dirty because I’ve got Medicaid or I’m not paying, or whatever. And they try to make [me] feel bad and tell me that I’m still liable for it, even if Medicaid doesn’t cover it. The whole time I’m told this, I keep thinking this is ridiculous. This is a fight between Medicaid and the [medical] provider, and the provider (any of them) keeps telling me that I’m responsible for paying whatever Medicaid doesn’t pay. … So I felt like crap, because I’m between a rock and a hard place, in between two fighting dogs. … I told Mike about everything, and I just started bawling because these phone calls always make me feel crappy and worthless and, most of all, frustrated, because I feel powerless. I’m told by one side not to do anything and by the other side that I’m completely responsible. And all I want to do is understand what the hell is going on. And I want to be left alone while they duke it out. Why do I have to keep getting bit by the dog? Ugh. …

The more I deal with crap like this, the more I’m convinced that health care providers and collection agencies like this (and other insurance companies) eventually get their money by strong-arming, lying, and just wearing people down. Most people will eventually pay because they don’t have the time to deal with this and will cave in and pay out of fear or frustration, even if it means they rack up credit card debt or something. … I may not know much, but I know better than that. I figure I’ve got three things going for me: (1) I’ve got the time (well, I can make it) to deal with this, (2) I’m incredibly organized and can provide documentation for every phone call and bill and letter, and (3) I hate being strong-armed—the more they try it, the more pissed off I get, and the less likely to do what they want me to do, especially quickly—if I get flustered or rushed, I retreat to gather my thoughts—screw that rushed-decision crap.

In the meantime, I have to write a letter to the collection agency to show that I contest that I owe this money, and I’m going to give dates for everything, phone calls, and copies of letters. And copies are going to the [health care] provider and [the Medicaid-management company], too. Seriously, IF this is going to hurt my credit, at least I can hold my head up high and have documentation.

All this instead of just having a brand-new beautiful baby in my arms this month…Mike and I sure would have preferred the baby.

 

Saturday 20 March 2010

There’s no silence for me anymore. Even when there’s no sound outside, there’s the ringing, always, in my right ear. Always. I read in my support groups about people who’ve suffered permanent hearing loss from IIH, but they talk about it in relation to pulsing tinnitus (the whooshing noise). But I just have the permanent tinnitus, it seems…that didn’t start until after I had been out of the hospital for a while. So I should probably see an ENT. … But I can’t even find the time or money to see a new neurologist, so I don’t know how I’d see another doctor, too, especially with Mike working the hours he does. Now I just feel like a bigger burden than ever. No insurance, no way to get myself to appointments, no way to see doctors.

And I worry about my hearing. And about my vision. And about this IIH—if the issue is really IIH or something else entirely. But I can’t see a doctor. I’ve had such a good couple of months, feeling better in general, and much more like my old self, fewer headaches, less pain, not so much worry. But now, today, it all kicks in. …

Why is all the uncertainty and fear hitting me again now? Just because I read a few posts from these support groups? I swear, sometimes I feel worse for having read them—less supported, and more glum. But still, it’s a good place to get information. Maybe I just feel out of sorts today because I haven’t been getting much rest at night [while] … adjusting to [Mike’s new work] schedule. …

But … I keep dreaming of driving again, and doing it well, while being able to see almost as well as I did before. Not sure if those are wishful-thinking dreams or promises of what’s to come. I prefer to think of them as promises, though. And as we were driving back from [getting] haircuts today, I remembered that I dreamed last night about a company calling Mike to tell him that they had a job for him. So here’s hoping that dream comes true. In my dream, he said it was bad timing, because he already had a job, but when I told him about the dream (in real life), Mike said if it pays better than [his current job], he will leave [this one], no problem. Well, let’s hope this dream is another promise dream, too.

Now if I can just have another promise dream showing me HOW and WHEN all these things are going to work out…and one showing … us having a baby… Ah, but let’s not get greedy, eh? I’ve already been promised, just not in a dream. I have to trust.

Oh, and yesterday, [family members] … [deposited money] in our [bank] account. I’m incredibly grateful and thankful, but I wish they didn’t feel the need to. I told Mike last night that it’s so sad that I would feel less guilty about accepting the money if we didn’t need it, if we were all financially sound, than now, when we can definitely use it. Now, when we need it, I feel guilty, because I feel like they’re probably going out of their way, maybe even putting undue hardship on themselves, to help us, rather than having it be a spontaneous gift of good fortune. I’ve never intended to be such a burden on our friends and loved ones. I’ve tried my whole life not to be, and so has Mike, and yet here we are…

 

Sunday 21 March 2010

I’m not as focused as I used to be. And my memory certainly isn’t as good. I can blame certain word-recollection problems on one of my medications, but what about everything else? Others in my support groups say they have memory problems because of IIH/PTC, much like stroke victims sometimes do. But is that my problem, or do I have recall problems and focus problems only because I don’t use these functions like I once did? Maybe it’s age? A general lack of caring? I don’t know. I just know it’s disconcerting.

But today, I’ve just not felt up to par. I’ve been worn down, tired, a little…grouchy, maybe…not able/willing to smile easily. Almost like back when I was depressed all the time. … So maybe that’s what it is—I’m just worn out, still a little sore in my lower back, from ovulating, I think, and just beginning that cycle all over again. But for two weeks, I was feeling good, back to my old self. Am I going to have to go through this cycle every month? Feel good for two weeks … then feel crappy … ? I hope not.

 

Monday 22 March 2010

Another sad day, another day starting with a headache [caused by a number of things]. … A very hard time waking up in the morning, with a headache (that does go away with caffeine and sitting up for a while), with a bit of melancholy that just spirals after I read the support-group emails. I read about permanent hearing loss, and surgery after surgery for shunts, and spinal taps to release pressure, and permanent disability. And I fear. I fear my life going that way. No, my headaches haven’t been bad lately, and the medicines have been helping, I think. But what about when the medicine ceases to be effective or the headaches start again on their own? Maybe they won’t. … I keep forgetting the promise I’ve been given, that I will be healed, my vision, my IIH, my womb. And in those times [of forgetfulness], I despair…I wonder how in the world I’m going to live with this disorder for the rest of my life. Better, I think, to have a disease that kills quickly, or to die in an accident, than to be faced with something like this for the rest of your life.

High blood pressure and diabetes can be largely controlled through behavior. But what about these headaches? It seems some of my diet and behavior changes help. But what about those behavior changes I don’t WANT to make? I want to be active…well, at least as active as I used to be, which wasn’t inactive like this life. I don’t want to live in constant fear that working in the garden will trigger days and days of pain.

Today’s posts had two bright spots—one woman who has suffered for 9 years but whose headaches now seem to be getting better on their own, spontaneously, and another who speaks of some surgeries she’s had recently on her back, and how the nurses have explained that at a year after the surgery, it’s common to be at only 50% of the physical ability level you were at before. That’s from a surgery, not even your body just going out of whack “on its own.” So that gives me hope that maybe my body will sort itself out. But then when it does, I’m afraid that I’ll be afraid to get pregnant again because of the fear of the IIH recurring and hurting the vision and all of this all over again. Rather than looking back on this experience as something I’ve endured and conquered and something I can go through again, I keep looking at it as something I wouldn’t want to endure again for all the gold in the world. I’m AFRAID. I hate being afraid. Fear does nothing to help. Fear only causes more problems. And yet all I do is fear sometimes. A week ago, I was ready to get pregnant again, thinking, Screw what the doctors tell me. I don’t need to wait six more months to recover! I can do this now! And now I’m afraid again.

I read in the support group posts again about the hearing damage that has been done by this disease to some of these people, and that none of the neurologists seem to know anything about it. [One woman] said she was shuffled from one [neurologist] to another, each with their own tiny little focus specialty, and finally she found one who explained that the receptor(?) area that is responsible for hearing is very near the one for sight, and they are both right near the area of CSF PRODUCTION. Hence, if CSF production is too high, both the hearing and the sight can be affected. But [most] docs [even the specialists] really don’t know this.

So what hope is there for us? Miraculous healing. I still pray for it and thank the Divine for the promise I’ve been given that I will be healed. But I only pray and hope that I’m worthy enough for the healing, to use it wisely and not just be complacent, running away in fear from where I’ve come from instead of proudly facing what I’ve been through, bravely announcing that I’ve been there and I’ve been through it and…well, I don’t know the “and” yet…announce that God healed me? Help others get better? (Right, I have that power how?) Well, I guess we’ll [cross] that bridge when we get to it. For right now, I have to try to remember how to be strong and not beat down, the woman my husband fell in love with and married, not this quivering, shaking, scared mass afraid to live in the world with any sort of impairment.

 

Tuesday 23 March 2010

Feeling a little more cheerful today—woke up feeling better than I have for the past few days, and didn’t have any support group emails today. …

Mostly, I’m okay today, though my eyes seem to be a little off. … But for the most part, I feel pretty good. …

I’m in an even mood, wishing we had a baby to hold and cuddle and love…this was about the time I should have delivered. But it will happen eventually, I’m sure, the coming of our baby.

 

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I keep trying to “let go and let God” lately. And I know that this condition is greatly affected by my hormones, so as I go from ovulation to the start of my period, I get worried and glum, in addition to the worry and glumness that the condition causes. But I had hope, because the first two weeks of this month were so VERY good for me…I was crazy-busy, but I was happy and hopeful and looking toward the future brightly. And then I woke up one day and felt like crap and have felt down ever since. … But since everything has happened, the Divine has guided me, and I simply have to remind myself to keep trusting and believing in the messages the Divine has given me—that my sight will be restored, that I will be healed, that I will have a child. From everything I learn about my condition, I know the odds are against me, but what are odds when I’ve already beat a bunch of them (so far) and when I’ve got the power and love of God on my side?

I know I still haven’t completely accepted my condition, because I don’t accept that I will have it for the rest of my life. It goes into remission sometimes. So I’m still holding out hope and faith that it will for me, too. When I start thinking about having to deal with [this] condition for the rest of my life, I have warring feelings—(1) despair that I might have to deal with this awful condition (awful because so little is known about it and so few doctors and researchers seem to WANT to know more) for the rest of my life and (2) hope that with … advances in medical and health knowledge, in my lifetime, perhaps we will move closer to figuring this syndrome out and getting better care for those who have it. The odds are stacked against us, but I speak about it honestly and openly to anyone who will listen, and I figure that’s a start. Eventually, the right person will hear.

We hang in there with Mike’s job and mine and all of our problems and say, “At least we have each other.” This time last year, we said, “At least we have each other and our health,” and when we were pregnant, we said, “We don’t have any problems money can’t fix.” Well, neither of those statements holds true any longer, but we do still have each other, and that’s what’s most important. And I think that’s most important for everyone—having people, and having them close.

 

 

Note

[1] See the last journal entry in the previous chapter. The friend in question was this man’s daughter.

***

Thank you for allowing me to share this part of my journey with you. Please let me know what you think so far and if you want to hear/read more of my story.

If this is the first chapter of my story that you’ve read or listened to, you can catch up by listening to all of the episodes on my YouTube playlist, starting here.

 

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