May 2010 brought something very unexpected: much more frequent messages from the Divine–and more understanding of those messages. It was a pivotal month in my Year of Shadow and Light, finally prompting me toward my truest path.

Watch my YouTube video using the following link below, or read chapter 18 below.

 

18. May 2010

We may see with our eyes but fail to understand what is before us, but when we see with the heart, our eyes may not even be necessary. When an old Rabbi became blind and could neither read nor look at the faces of those who came to visit him, a faith healer said to him, “Entrust yourself to my care and I will heal your blindness.” “There will be no need for that,” replied the Rabbi. “I can see everything that I need to.” —Bill Smith, Living with Faith, Hope, and Love through the Holidays, Holy Days, and Days Between

 

Monday 3 May 2010

Despite my fears sometimes that my vision is not getting better or is not getting better fast enough, a day or two ago while Mike and I were sitting on the couch and had our heads together, I … was actually able to almost look him in the eyes while leaning my forehead against his…for the first time since October. I nearly cried for joy when I realized it.

Also, over the weekend, I decided to cut down my Topomax dose even further. … I’m doing this for a [few] reasons. First, because … I could probably go without it by now because I was only on it to control headaches. Second, it can hurt your vision. … Third, I want to be on as little medicine as possible whenever I can be, at all times. … Fourth, when I do become pregnant, I don’t want to run the risk of the birth defects that Topomax can cause. … I’ve had very slight headaches, but I don’t know if that’s the weather, … muscle tension, … IIH, or withdrawal from the med (there for a while when I was taking [it] at the same time every day, I would get a headache if I didn’t take it on time—and I’d get antsy leading up to time to take it). So I’m giving it at least a week to see how I handle it, across a range of weather and … to give my body a chance to acclimate to the lower dose. So far, I think it’s doing well. …

I’m hopeful.

 

Wednesday 5 May 2010

Oracular Reading

Had the urge to do a reading, to be given a message.

The Runic Cross

1. Past: Flow—Laguz
2. Me Now: Warrior—Teiwaz
3. Future: Opening—Kano
4. Foundation: Signals—Ansuz (reversed)
5. Challenge: Gateway—Thurisaz
6. New Situation: Disruption—Hagalz

Past, what lies directly behind me: Living without having to evaluate or understand. Going w/ the flow. Time of cleansing, revaluing, reorganizing, realigning.

Me Now: Urge for self-conquest, which calls for willingness to undergo my passage w/ compassion and in total trust. Battle of aligning self w/self, courage & dedication

Future, what lies ahead or is coming to be in my life: “The more light you have, the better you can see what is trivial and outmoded in your own conditioning. Recognize that while on the one hand you are limited and dependent, on the other you exist at the perfect center where the harmonious & beneficent forces of the universe merge & radiate. You are that center.” [1]
Renewed clarity, dispelling the darkness that has clouded some part of my life. Free to both receive gifts & know the joy of nonattached giving.

Foundation of the matter under consideration, the unconscious elements involved: A sense of futility may overwhelm me. Remember, though, that what is happening is timely to my process.
“Consider the uses of adversity.” (Messenger Rune)—1st Rune of the Cycle of Initiaition

Challenge, the nature of obstacles in my path: The frontier between Heaven and the mundane. Recognition of my readiness to contact the Divine, to illuminate my experience so its meaning shines through …
Rune of non-action. “Now is not a time to make decisions. Deep transformational forces are at work. Stop and review the past,” everything that brought me here. “Observe and bless it all, then release it all, for it is in releasing the past” that I reclaim my power.

New situation that will evolve as I successfully meet my challenge: The Great Awakener, always operates through reversal.
My inner strength—the will I have funded until now in life—provides support & guidance at a time when everything I’ve taken for granted is challenged.

 

I understand nearly all but this final rune…I’ve gone through everything so far just to meet more disruption in life? Big? Small? Is that all my life is to be? I get it, on the scale of reincarnating for growth & learning, but what in my life can be a reversal, a great upheaval, that will result from meeting the challenge of doing nothing but letting go of the past? And what kind of timeframe are we looking at here?[2]

Drew one more rune, the Rune of Resolution, to help w/ understanding, “recognize the essence of the situation”:
Journey—Raido

(Life’s about the journey; the journey is the destination.)

[I’m] not intended to rely on my own power—instead, ask what [the] right action is—ask through prayer or meditation. Once I am clear, I can neutralize my refusal to let right action flow through me. (… Ask to be an instrument of God’s will, to not get in the way.)

The journey is toward self-healing, self-change, and union. But it can’t be forced.

Prayer: I Will to will Thy Will.

***

Wow. Spot on. Really helped me realize that I have been holding on to guilt about this whole issue—guilt that Mike has to work to help pay for bills and debt that I incurred before we met and while we were dating, guilt that he has to take care of me because I feel like I’m not as capable as I once was. But the runes reminded me that although I have a slight handicap, I am more capable than ever in other ways. Everything points to my spiritual development. … I have developed incredibly in the past few months. …

And the message I got was that, for the most part, I need to sit back and let things happen, but I need to finish [writing] this book. I need to let go of the past. Acknowledge it, be thankful for it, but let go of the power it holds over me. It’s not the past itself, so much, that’s holding on, but the guilt I feel for the things that have happened. … I realized that, just as I cannot change the things that have happened because they are over and done with, it does me no good to feel guilty about those things. Even if I could have done something differently and not had these things happen, that doesn’t matter, because what’s done is done. I’ve had this view about the what-ifs regarding if we had recognized earlier or been more adamant about my headaches, maybe my vision wouldn’t have been lost—I was able to move on from that, but I was still holding on to some guilt. And I didn’t even realize HOW MUCH guilt I was holding on to. … But now that I’ve recognized it, I’m trying to bless it and release it.

I’ve recognized from the start that this is a challenge that I can grow greatly from, and I have been trying to do that. I think whereas for a very long time I thought I was doing a good job, now I know that I was like a child, playacting, striving to ACT in the right way, even if I wasn’t DOING in the right way. I knew that it could eventually lead me to DOING in the right way…practice it right, and you’ll perform it right. … “If you can’t make it, fake it,” another saying goes—meaning if you don’t feel happy, smile and act happy, and eventually you’ll “trick” yourself into being happy. It’s an effective path, but it is slow. [A]lways, a step in the right direction is good. But at the time, I didn’t think I was playacting…I thought I was doing the real thing.

Always, I’ve been striving to find God, to KNOW God. I had faith in God, but I felt that God was distant. I felt and saw and knew the blessings in my life that came about from God, and I was thankful, but I never felt CLOSE to God. Now, I act nearly the same way I did before. On the outside, the only thing that has changed is daily prayer. But on the inside, EVERYTHING has changed. I can’t describe it to anyone quickly and easily, because to me, it’s abrupt and HUGE, but it’s in a million little things. When I hear that someone is pregnant or had a baby, I don’t say I’m happy for them (and mean it) but hurt because it’s not ME who’s pregnant or having the baby. I’m genuinely happy for them, so happy that I nearly cry, the joy overflows me.

When I hear an ethical view that makes me hurt because it’s so much different than what I believe is right, I don’t get angry but smother [the anger] and make a snide comment to my husband or condescend to think that the person is simply not enlightened or is stuck at a lower level of spiritual evolution. Instead, I hurt for the person but don’t presume to think that I am in a better position to judge than they are.

When the voice of intuition speaks to me, I don’t analyze it and agonize over it and think that it’s overly sentimental and should be tempered with reason. Instead, I quickly ask myself if it’s my inner voice or if it’s the voice of God’s messenger speaking through me. I now TRUST—myself and the Divine—enough that I can ascertain the source of the voice quickly and act appropriately.

I don’t just SAY I want to make a difference in the world and moan about how I can’t do what I want to do to effect the changes that I desire to make. Instead, I pray that God will make me an instrument of Divine will; I pray, “I will to will Thy Will.” I don’t presume to say that one sentence in one email I write that day may not make a difference in the world. I trust that God will guide my writing to write the right thing if that’s the way the Divine chooses to work through me that day. I think of two bits of wisdom: “Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant” (Robert Louis Stevenson) and “Even when you know that God has laid his hand on you, you will be hindered if you are always looking at your inadequacies. If the Lord has called you to be something, who cares whether or not you are good enough?” (John Robert Stevens). After all, I am a weak, fragile, injured, imperfect being, but through God, I am strong, whole, a complete being, and I am good enough for what I am called to do, or God would not have called me to do it.

 

Friday 7 May 2010

It’s strange, living life with this disorder. Before, I was pretty in tune with my body, and I knew what triggered most responses in my body. But now, with all the meds and this disorder and everything, it’s like I have to learn everything over again. Much the same things still cause me headaches, but now more things cause me headaches…or “pain spikes” as I like to call them—acute pain that lasts about a half hour and then goes away so long as I stop and sit.

Last summer, I enjoyed watching my body change as I was pregnant, because I knew my body well, and I could mostly [tell] which changes were caused by the pregnancy. But now whenever I get pregnant, it’ll be much harder to tell, and I know I’ll be worrying about every little thing. …

***

Oracular Reading

Drew one of each oracle to give me an overview.

Spirit of the Wheel: Illumination (34)—Divine Communication, Spiritual Knowing, Inner Light: A clear & strong connection w/ the Divine. My guides & protectors are close by and communicating w/ me. Signals Spirit’s approval & assurance that I am on the right path. Opportunities come for me to be a builder of light and to share my knowledge of Spirit w/ others. All living creatures seem unusually attracted to the inner light I project. Trust my higher self to guide me as I help myself & others in a quiet, loving way.

Gilded Tarot—Knight of Wands (reversed): “Your passion is moving you ahead very quickly.” Whatever I am facing, I am very excited by it. Be aware of recklessness. Just be careful.

Lakota Sweat Lodge Cards—Maka/Earth (44): Think about how to accept nurturing from others and self. Attend to my body’s needs along w/ my emotional & spiritual hungers. Listen to the needs of others & provide nurturing to them. Use positive, encouraging language when describing how [I am] and the activities in [my] life. Appreciate myself. I deserve it. ([It’s] easy to say I do, and to act it out, but much harder to feel this appreciation for self internally w/o worrying that that makes me unworthy of such appreciation.)
“Meditation: The cycles of time bring me into awareness of the interdependence of all life.” (I can’t read or say that w/o feeling like I’m [shifting to a higher plane of consciousness].)

Runes—Raido (Journey): Carried w/in Raido is the symbol for Joy, for the end is now in sight. I am no longer burdened by what I’ve left behind. Heaven above and Earth below unite to support me on my way.

 

Monday 10 May 2010

While praying today, instructed to draw … from the Gilded Tarot. …

King of Pentacles
Queen of Swords (the key)
7 of Pent
Knight of Wands
Ace of Swords
10 of Cups
8 of Pents

I have used my mind, truth, & logical thinking to create order in my world. Taken my suffering & joys & married them in a useful philosophy so I am at ease in the world.

Allow others to behave as they believe [is] right. …

Use the gift of thought to see the world clearly, communicate well, and create a happy, healthy reality.

Mike happy to come home. … [F]ull of happiness @ home, satisfying activities & comforts. Keep working at this—it doesn’t just happen.

Our discipline & drive will serve us well, but we need to take time to enjoy companionship. Don’t work to the exclusion of all else. Be sure to get a little R&R.

 

Wednesday 12 May 2010

Went to see Dr. L today. All in all, he said, objectively (meaning the 30-2 test…), things are normal—numbers a little worse, but not statistically significant, so the same) but subjectively, much better. My optic nerves when he looked at them look the best they’ve looked since he’s seen them, though there are parts that still look dead. I got three more number/color plates with my right eye this time than last time, and all with my left again.

But [he] said I have permanent peripheral loss and very small visual field left. He urged me again to see a neurologist because of the need to keep me under constant surveillance. He said if anything happens again and I start to lose any vision, there would likely not be anything he could do about it—I would just lose it, possibly completely. So he urged me to see a neurologist (yes, again, he urged). I explained that we hadn’t gone yet because of money and driving. So he tried to tell me that it’s very important. Doom and gloom. I know all of it, I do…the meds I’m on can really screw me up, and things can really hurt me. He said I’m a “classic patient”—one who shows up after a year and is completely blind or has serious health issues because he/she got an infection or had complications from the meds, etc. I explained that I’m not being willfully ignorant or difficult but that we have no insurance. …

Basically, he said I’m doing great, but it could all go downhill at any time. He suggested I not get pregnant without getting counseling from a neurologist first, to determine if it would be safe. He said it’s possible I’ll be great and all this was just a result of the miscarriage, but it’s possible it’s not, and I NEED to be under care. *sigh* He was preaching to the choir. …

It’s something I can come to terms with, of course, but the problem is considering what could happen to make [my vision] be lost completely. He essentially said that there would probably be nothing that could be done if my vision starts to go again. He tends toward doom and gloom, Dr. L, but I know the truth in that statement. Of course, at any time, any of us could go blind, the eyes are so sensitive.

I’ve prayed for guidance today, so hurt and wounded and unsure, and I called a neuro-ophthalmologist in Lafayette and learned that the first visit would cost $300-$800 dollars. I wanted to make an appointment, but Mike told me we can’t afford it, so I hung up while I was on hold. I called Dr. R’s office and asked if he would be able to order the necessary metabolic tests to make sure the Diamox and Topomax aren’t hurting me, but I probably won’t hear back until tomorrow. But that’s a step in the right direction. Once I find out what those tests are, I can find a local lab and find out how much they would cost… Now, if only I could find a neurologist who doesn’t cost so much. Maybe I need to call Dr. H and just go to him for the time being… but I don’t think he’d know what he needs to do to keep following up on me. *sigh*

***

God will restore me.

***

Oracular Reading

Frustrating day, considering health, vision, insurance, Dr. L, time limitations. Not sure if what I’ve done is enough. Long for guidance. …

(Asked—Should I not make an appt. w/ neurologist? What should I be doing?)

Wheel of Fortune

Events in life are often good or bad simply because I choose to view them as such.

[Meaning:] Keep my center and my focus and don’t be rattled by events I can’t control.

But beware using this to neglect personal responsibility. Don’t blame circumstances for mistakes truly my own.

 

Thursday 13 May 2010

[A friend and her daughter] came up … today to take me [on errands]. How wonderful!

While we were … talking about all of my problems getting to see doctors and the like, she told me that she is off [work] for a few more weeks … so she said she could take me wherever I needed to go. I started to cry, right there in the car. … I told her that it would take me a while to be able to express my thanks to her, because I was fighting back the tears just thinking about how wonderful she was.

And I immediately said a quick prayer [of thanks] to God for this. …

It’s amazing. Simply amazing. Maybe all of the good works I’ve tried to do in my life have actually begun coming back to me. Of course, I didn’t really do them for reward or payback—I never really expected to need it—but I guess this is just one of those lessons I have to learn…I can’t always be the one giving and helping others; sometimes I have to be just as willing to accept help. I’ve always accepted help with gratitude, but not always without feeling like I was putting someone out. I still sort of feel like I’m putting people out, but I don’t have the same reticence to accept help that I used to have. …

But I know that I have amazing people in my life, and [I’ve learned that] sometimes the people you least expect help from are the first ones to offer it freely.

 

Friday 14 May 2010

Blog post

Pots of Gold

It’s a bit of an inside joke, but one of my friends keeps wishing me luck finding a pot of gold, or to keep looking for a pot of gold, or a leprechaun, or always something along those lines.

In an email today, she wished me the same, and I realized that this week has been full of little pots of gold everywhere. One was in touching base again with a very dear friend that I had, regrettably, fallen into only sporadic contact with, and rediscovering a heart of gold and the priceless treasure that had drawn me to be her friend in the first place. Another was in a rather substantial gift from a new friend, just for doing my job—I guess you could call it a “bonus” of sorts.

Other little pots of gold, though slightly less emotional, are no less dramatic or awe-inspiring: a handful of strawberries [each] day from our berry patch, an explosion of iris blooms after last night’s rain, … an interview today that may lead to a better job for my husband, another new friend offering to help with no benefit to herself.

Sure, the world can be full of sadness and disappointment, but, oh, what beauteous joys it holds for those who pay attention!

“Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.” —Helen Keller

“We humans are social beings. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others’ activities. For this reason it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others.” —The Dalai Lama

 

Sunday 16 May 2010

Oracular Reading

As I was drifting to sleep this morning, the image of a rune came distinctly to me. I don’t remember what I was thinking about at the time. … I told myself as I was falling asleep to look [it] up today.

Perth—Initiation, Something Hidden, A Secret Matter

“Powerful forces are at work. On the earthly/mundane side, there may be surprises, gains, or rewards not anticipated. Indicated here are soaring flight, freedom from entanglement, lifting self above the endless ebb & flow of ordinary life to acquire broader vision.” [3]

This rune [is] concerned w/ “the bedrock on which my destiny is founded.”

“If need be, let go of everything, no exceptions, no exclusions”—renewal of Spirit is at stake.

Stay centered, see the humor, and keep my faith firm.[4]

 

[Asked, using Spirit of the Wheel Meditation Deck:] Why that rune?

7—Imminent Change, Life Force, Rebuilding (Thunderbird Clan)

“phoenix rising from the ashes” mentioned here & in description of Perth

Let the energy flow to ultimately create a better life more in tune w/ my spiritual gifts & my purpose. Thunderbird leads the way to finding that purpose. If I resist, the false ideals I have built will come crashing down. Be prepared for situations to move very quickly & to become intense.

(Does this mean my huge fear—complete blindness? This is what I resist. Am I resisting something on a different level that is stopping me progressing?)[5]

Change—I’m so tired of change. What’s this imminent change? Are we rebuilding from what’s happened to me—to US—these few months?

Still…finding my true purpose. … If I haven’t found it yet, what in the world can it be?

 

[Asked the Universe:] What’s this imminent change?

32—Clarity—Spirit Path of the East—Breakthrough, Inner Vision, Truth

(But this is after the imminent change, right? What’s the trigger for the initiation & clarity—the embodiment of thunderbird? … I keep whispering involuntarily “You can’t tell me” after I ask, as if I am repeating [something I am hearing].)

7 of Pentacles (reversed)

(After reading all the description & looking at the card, one thing repeats, over and over in my head, even though it seems strange to me:) A bountiful harvest.

A good thing—good in all ways (not challenging) will finally come? And bring me clarity?[6]

[Arrow drawn from “32—Clarity—Spirit Path of the East—Breakthrough, Inner Vision, Truth] I begin to see how past experience fits into the greater picture of my life. Now is not the time for regret but to be thankful that the murky waters have become clearer. There is often a reason truth is hidden from our view—[I] may not have been able to face it or believe it before now.

With my mind clearer, I open the way to begin anew. The wisdom gained from experience strengthens perception. I can look toward the future w/ quiet confidence. My inner vision has been restored through my acceptance of the truth at hand. Trust my judgment in making decisions. A veil has been lifted & I am now ready to let go of the things that have kept me from living out my truth. [An arrow leads from here to “I keep whispering involuntarily ‘You can’t tell me’ after I ask.”] [I] continued to draw [from various decks]. [The messages]:

Know the difference between conviction and fantasy.

Don’t be too hard on yourself—difficult times are full of lessons, but they are challenging. Allow yourself to make mistakes, and forgive yourself for making them.

“A better time is coming, and when it comes, give yourself over to it. Immerse yourself in the cool waters of faith & the constant light of the Star. Know that your heart will be refreshed and your faith will be renewed. Beware giving in to despair, lacking faith, giving up. The Star promises hope. Don’t lose faith in that promise.” (Gilded Tarot)

 

Monday 17 May 2010

I thought I’d conquered the feelings of guilt, but I haven’t. Mike sees how little I bill for in a week, and then he freaks out, feeling like “he’s fighting me” because his job was meant to bridge the gap between what I made and what we needed to make to pay the bills but now I’m billing for less. But I’m billing for less because there’s less work, I have to make most of our meals, I have to do most of the dishes, and I have to call around to arrange rides to appointments, etc. And sometimes I just screw around instead of working.

And we spend so much time sleeping now—10 hours a day, at least. I think it’s a little of depression AND exhaustion on both our parts. But it leads to us getting less done. I feel like I’m working constantly, but at the end of a day, I have nothing to show for all the work I did.

And now I just feel guilty all over again—for causing so much debt initially that we’re still working through, for having all this happen to me such that Mike had to take care of me, for being a disappointment now. I’m not used to being a disappointment. And it hurts. And I can’t seem to make it better…I can’t seem to make enough money to make it okay, because the less money we have, the more time I have to spend doing other things just to survive instead of making more money. I made dinner three or four nights last week and did dishes several times, and I mowed the lawn, and I went to the doctor and donated blood…all instead of working. I still worked, to be sure, but all that when I could have been working…and researching what it means to be legally blind and what I have to do to be considered legally blind, and calling lab places to get tests done, and all this stuff that I wouldn’t have to worry about if I had money and the ability to drive myself…or insurance and the ability to drive myself…because I also spent hours trying to figure out how to be driven from place to place while my husband is working so he doesn’t have to miss work and miss more money to take me to the doctor.

Mike says he wants to be able to make enough money so I don’t have to work. But that’s not who I am—being taken care of so I don’t have to work? Ugh. Sometimes I think he forgets who he married. I have to have help sometimes, but I don’t want to have everything done for me…I’d feel utterly worthless.

Which is about how I feel right now, though, and that’s even with all that I’ve been doing to actually keep up our home—just not making more money to pay more bills. Fuck the bills. I want to see, to function like I once did, and most of all, to make my husband happy instead of miserable. It’s all my fault he has to work this horrible job that makes him feel like shit and makes him not want to get up in the morning and makes him avoid reality and avoid helping me in the house while he distracts himself from the thought of going in to work yet another day to make crap wages for a job he hates.

And then it hit me…I still feel guilty, but I had to ask Mike:

When it comes down to it, all we have is each other…you work to try to help me, and I work and try to keep up with the housework and cooking to take pressure off of you. We’re suffering to try to help the other. All I really want is for you to be happy…whether that means staying at home or working.

But you have to realize that you have to find that happiness…what’s going to make you happy, really? Getting bills paid off? Gardening? Not working at all? Where’s your true happiness?

Are we screwing up by having you work outside the home in a job that makes you miserable and pays dirt? Are we gaining or losing, overall? We spend more time sleeping, you spend more time on the road, I spend less time making money and trying to keep our house going and more time arranging rides to places…are we just rats swimming furiously, stuck in a sinking ship instead of looking for the best way out of the ship?

Maybe working outside the home is best for Mike, for his sanity. But I think he’s still looking for something outside himself to make him happy, thinking that the job or the money will make him happy, rather than realizing that those things can make life easier but not really any BETTER…

***

Oracular Reading

Rough day so far. What guidance?

Spirit of the Wheel: 4—Grandmother Moon: Self reflection, inner rhythms, intuition

Also 20—Frogs Return Moon: Building Dreams, Determination, Cooperation

My psychic abilities are strengthening, so pay close attention to the messages around me. Take time to delve into my inner self to learn to make [the] most of my natural creative rhythms. …

Stamina, determination, and mental clarity to successfully plan, build, and create what we desire. Once we begin the process, the plans will unfold quickly. [This is] the time for planting the dream seed.

Do not tackle the project alone. Be flexible & accept help and valuable input along the way. Working w/ others will help us reach our destination faster. Channel our stubbornness into determination. Work toward our dreams w/ the group mind attitude.

8 of Swords

My mind is keeping me “blind and immobile.” I am controlled by fear. I feel helpless: I cannot see; I cannot move; I sense danger all around. But the situation is entirely of my own making, which means I can unmake it. I have the ability to see things clearly but must have the courage to do so.

Beware giving in to the sense of helplessness. Do not give up my power. Take control of my life. Do not let fear bind & blind me.

(Always use of “blind”—is this literal b/c of my case? Just figurative? Both? Yes, I am afraid & feel powerless, at least sometimes, but what is this situation I have made? The work? Not thinking I’m as strong and fantastic as I was? Thinking that I’m diminished in overall capacity because I can’t see so well? [Thinking that made me sob, so I guess so.])

 

[Ask:] If I conquer the feelings of guilt, what’s my situation?

Knight of Wands (reversed)
9 of Swords

Where is your sense of adventure? Perhaps you lost it somewhere along the way? It’s time to find it again. Need to stretch & challenge yourself—Knight heralds a time of action. He loves a challenge & is virtually fearless.

(This used to be me…now I’m afraid of so very much…The rest of the description fits me before all this happened.)

Reversed: Beware a narrow-minded bigoted person unhappy b/c they don’t have the courage to expand their lives & go after the things they want and they envy those who do. Remember à it’s their problem, not yours.

(Mike is scared to do anything other than march forward w/ blinders on. The money is a real concern, but he uses it for cover for many things, as an excuse, though he’s not aware of it…he’s afraid to not be making money, thinks this is the only way he is capable of “taking care” of me.

I do need to conquer my fear, my feelings of guilt, b/c what’s done is done. March forward w/ determination and quit sabotaging myself and Mike. [It’s] not his fault that he can’t see that you have to do things in life that don’t make money.

Help him as gently as possible, be strong, quit feeling helpless, and don’t let him make you feel guilty and helpless, either. Take back your strength, from him & others, so they can better learn what they need (and so can you…)

Greatly troubled, need only to reach out & get the comfort & wisdom I need. I don’t need to be working through this alone. Reach out & allow someone to guide & comfort me. Beware of isolation. [I’m] not alone, and … pride may keep [me] from reaching out. Pride may cost … more than [I] know.

***

Got a text message from Mike a bit ago saying he got the job he interviewed for on Friday. … [It pays] $3 more an hour than he’s making now. …

So, doesn’t help much, but it’s a little bit more. And I hope he’ll like the job more. I hope he won’t be so physically tired by it and so emotionally drained because of it.

I know we can make it through the challenges that come at us, but only if we stick together and support each other emotionally, instead of detaching, like we’ve been doing. When I’m so afraid and he’s so anxious, it’s hard for the two of us to really connect like we once did. I know we can get there again…it’s just going to take a lot of focused effort.

 

Tuesday 18 May 2010

Oracular Reading[7]

The Unknowable (Odin)
Journey (Raido)
Defense (Eihwaz)
Growth (Berkana)
Strength (Uruz)
Signals (Ansuz)
Separation (Othila)
Protection (Algiz)
Warrior (Teiwaz)
Fertility (Inguz)
Possessions (Fehu)
Initiation (Perth)
Joy (Wunjo)
Partnership (Gebo)

Own true destiny time & again rises like the phoenix from the ashes [there is the phoenix again] of what we call fate. Relinquishing control is the ultimate challenge for the Spiritual Warrior. (Don’t I know it!) Often calls for an empty-handed leap into the void—a direct test of faith. ([An] initial look at the “drawn” runes causes me some fear, some apprehension—death is mentioned frequently, loss; though these are often figurative, they signal major change.) The work of self-change is progressing in my life.

The ultimate union that comes at the end of the journey. Be content to wait, keep removing resistances (to what?). Journey is toward self-healing, self-change and union [with the Divine]. …

Don’t be eager to press forward here—patience. Difficulties … can arrive at the beginning of a new life—often announces a time of waiting. … Through inconvenience and discomfort, growth is promoted (yup, but I’m tired of this for a while). Put things in order, tend to business, and wait.

The flow of beings into their new forms—thru action gentle, penetrating, and pervasive. Disperse resistance, then accomplish work.

Always ask for right action.

Events occurring now may well prompt you to undergo a death w/in yourself. Remain mindful that the new life is always greater than the old. (What part of my life must die? What is it that I need to be looking at—the resistance—and removing?) Prepare for opportunity disguised as loss—could involve the loss of someone or something to which you have an intense emotional bond, and through which you are living a part of your life, a part that must now be retrieved so you can live it out for yourself. Your soul and the universe support the new growth.

Expect the unexpected: Always a call to new life (Something BIG is about to happen, ooh, but what? I’m scared.) Explore the depths, experience the Divine in your nature. Draw from that to replenish self and, in turn, others. A new sense of family solidarity.

Time of separating paths—outmoded relationships must be discarded. Rune of radical severance. Submission. …[A]cquisition [of property] may be derived from something you must give up. Can be especially demanding when called to give up an aspect of behavior (what/which behavior? Putting things off [my guides told me].) The separation called for will free you to become more truly who you are. (“The work I do” was mentioned…yikes!)

Control of the emotions … don’t collapse into them in challenging times. Timely right action and correct conduct are your only true protection.

[Need] willingness to undergo your passage w/ compassion & in total trust (so difficult!)

A time of joyful deliverance, of new life, a new path. Have the strength to achieve completion, resolution, from which comes a new beginning. Must fertilize the ground for own deliverance. Signals emergence from a closed, chrysalis state. Required to free self from some behavior quite proper to the self being left behind. Timely movement leads out of danger. Be centered & grounded—free self from all unwanted influences to be prepared to open to the Will of Heaven & await deliverance w/ calm certainty.

Fulfillment; nourishment from the … worldly to the sacred & Divine. Enjoy good fortune & remember to share it.

Powerful forces of change are at work. On the mundane side, unanticipated surprises, gains, or rewards may come. Stay centered, see the humor, and keep the faith firm.

The term of travail is ended & you have come to yourself in some regard. The shift that was due has occurred; now can freely enjoy blessings. … Understanding develops from knowledge. New clarity that may call for renouncing existing plans, ambitions, goals. Rune of restoration, of self properly aligned w/ Self.

Realization of the Divine in all things. The gift of freedom from which flow all other gifts.

Is this loss a loss of vision, but through which I become a mother? Death of a loved one through which we receive material comfort? Neither thought is pleasant. Part of me thinks that the behavior I must give up is wanting to be a mother—but I can’t see how joy can come from that except from the freedom from the pain of unfulfilled desires [very Buddhist].

Must I completely lose my vision to become my higher Self? Or is it the fear of losing my vision that is limiting me? That may be it, but if so, in what way is it limiting me? Closing me off to true healing from the Divine? Seems illogical, but matters of faith are rarely logical…

Is it “only” the procrastination getting in the way? In the way of what? Everything?

But sometimes waiting for the right time is necessary—but deciding to wait until a certain time is not the same as putting it off until it can no longer be put off…

Wait, is this a summary of what has happened to me rather than what is now or what is to become?

But what would be the point of that? To show me how far I’ve come?

No…something else is coming…

***

The following makes me cry.…I could barely read it, for crying so hard. It touched me that deeply. I remember as a child, in church, occasionally getting teary-eyed. And now, it seems I cry all the time. And I realized just before finding this text today that it’s because I recognize that it’s the presence of Divine Truth. The Divine Truth is so beautiful, so incredible, that I am overwhelmed and cry from joy—and a little bit of fear—when I recognize it.

I found this today in The Healing Runes by Ralph H. Blum and Susan Loughan … while struggling with my feelings of not being important enough to make big changes in the world. I’ve always been content to make small changes, and thought that’s how I would make a difference, through small changes, small smiles, small acts of kindness, by being who I was and interacting with others individually. And when I pray to be healed, always in the back of my mind is the little voice that tells me that I am not important enough for God to heal me, that there are other people in the world so much more important and needing of such healing. But even while that voice speaks, the other voice tells me that’s ridiculous, we are all important, and God can heal the “unimportant” as easily as those whom humanity deems important:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
—Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

 

Wednesday 19 May 2010

I’ve been through a lot of soul searching in the past two or three days … based on the [oracular] readings I’ve done. I don’t know that my soul searching has necessarily turned up hard-and-fast answers for me, but perhaps the soul-searching was the important part all along…or a more important part. …

On an unrelated note, Mike asked me this afternoon to really seriously consider not going to [a friend’s] wedding. He cited several reasons, one being money and another being him fearing for my safety if I took the bus, especially if I was taking my laptop along to work and because I can’t see so well. …

Of course, ever since I agreed to be in the wedding [before my vision damage], Mike has asked me several times, for several reasons, to consider not going. Every time, I have expressed to him the importance of going and explained that I could travel cheaply. … Because of his concerns with [public transportation], I asked him this afternoon to consider if there is any way he would not feel uncomfortable with me going, and he’s not sure. He won’t put more thought into it than that. …

I asked in our conversation about this today if he ever resents me for causing him anxiety, and when he said yes, I asked if in those cases, there had been options that would NOT have caused him anxiety…he said he didn’t know, he hadn’t considered it. Yep, so I get saddled with the resentment even if it’s not my fault. But I’ve figured as much all along, I told him, which is why I’ve always struggled to find a “compromise” in situations so that, if I’m going to get the resentment anyway, at least I can get it by spending as little money as possible and TRYING to lessen the amount of anger/resentment/anxiety I cause in him. …

He just doesn’t understand that seeing friends and family is something I try to get done. If he tried to see his friends and family, I would do everything in my power to make it happen. … But then I think he resents me for being willing to try so hard to make things happen when I want them, because he’s not willing to try so hard, thinking that trying just leads to disappointment because he never gets what he wants. Never mind that I see plenty of disappointment but refuse to let it stop me. …

My poor man. I just don’t know how to help him through this stuff—and to help me through without pulling all my hair out.

 

Thursday 20 May 2010

All of my memories seem ready to burst through. The other night, that awful, terrifying memory of being at CVS on the night we first visited Dr. L came through, and I typed it out when it came, because I knew I couldn’t resist the memory any longer, I had to work through it. That was incredibly hard. …

I’ve felt compelled [tonight] to relive more of those moments from so many months ago…it’s like my body, my mind, is ready to break its silence. But I’m expecting a phone call any minute now, so I can’t give in, and right after that, Mike will probably be home, so I can’t give in then, either. I know I must, eventually, to get through this, … to heal. But I’m so scared. I was in the restroom, simply using the restroom and flashed back to that night of sitting on the toilet, blood dripping as my miscarriage tried to finalize, and I cried because I was closing the memory up. I need to relive these memories with someone, but I can barely stand to think of even a MOMENT of one of them. I don’t know how I will get the strength to write this book. Luckily, I have journal entries to draw from, but I need to delve into memories that I think I had tucked away even from myself when I was writing those entries. I’m terrified, but a little excited, just to get it over with…

***

“True healing is found in the memory of wholeness.” —Deepak Chopra

But is it really, or can that bring too much pain if you are no longer whole?

 

Monday 24 May 2010

Oracular Reading

As knelt for my daily prayer, [I was] urged to read Spirit of the Wheel cards.

8—Big Winds Moon—Leadership, Self-Discipline, Psychic Abilities

Directly beneath it, face-up in the deck, was

3—Father Sun—Direction, Illumination, Active Growth

Intuition is very much in tune w/ my higher self right now. Let this lead me on my path. I’ve procrastinated long enough. Stop self-sabotaging, as it feeds my insecurities in addition to limiting my potential. I’m lacking self-discipline.

Call upon courage of Big Winds Moon to see me through. Spirit is asking me to share the bounty of my life, [to] take my place of power.

Learn to trust in the greater plan. Creator would not ask me to develop & share my gifts if I were not ready. Energy around me now is bountiful. If I use it wisely, directing it toward future goals, my progress will be great.

Set boundaries, be assertive, and direct the changes I am working toward. The Sun card illuminates the shadow side of the self and the path of coming into my own power. Sometimes these realizations can be painful & require some sacrifice. Clear the way for progress to occur. Even though the path to enlightenment can be a real challenge at times, w/ the sun’s energy, I can conquer my fears through self-illumination. Now is the perfect time.

Shine my light on others and help them see more clearly. ([Finish the] Book.)

Next [I drew] Clarity (32)—Spirit Path of the East—Breakthrough, Inner Vision, Truth

I can look toward the future w/ quiet confidence. Trust my judgment in decisions. My inner vision has been restored through my acceptance of the truth at hand. A veil has been lifted and I am ready to let go of the things that have kept me from living out my truth.

 

Thursday 27 May 2010

Oracular Reading

A lot to ask. First, my health.

Past: Ace of Wands
Present: 6 of Swords
Future: 3 of Wands

(Not my health. [My guides are] telling me this is pointless, something they can’t tell me yet? More likely [they mean], “STFU and GBTW.”[8])

I am at a propitious point. I am given a gift, an idea, a project, or a career opportunity. Take advantage of it w/ confidence & gratitude. Be aware of ignoring opportunities & [of] inaction. This is a gift that requires action.

(I’m choosing “flight” over “fight” and it’s not wise—running from my fears means [the fears will] still be there when I stop.)

(Can’t do anything but wait. I’ve put my work in. Use the opportunity to learn patience & self-control.) Let things take their course…)

5 of Cups

(Don’t despair over what you’ve lost when you have more.)

Mourning over a loss is natural & necessary, but don’t let it go on too long. [My kick in the pants, eh? Stop mourning, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get out there, darn it! Your vision damage was done for a greater good. Go!] Turn to the wisdom of the Hierophant to find guidance in mourning & support in healing my heart. Then I can turn to the future, find hope in the dawning of a new day, and embrace what’s waiting for me. [True, I haven’t looked @ each day with hope. Looked to the future w/ fear. Afraid to have a baby, afraid of more headaches, afraid to face my fears, afraid of getting worse, afraid of losing my vision. I thank God each day for the chance to live again each day, but nearly everything I do each day is motivated by fear. Where did my hope go? Now each day is just existing…] Turn to help to heal properly so I can embrace a bright future in due time. Be aware of prolonging mourning out of fear of the future.

[Asked:] I have turned to God, to religion (study), to these lessons of the Oracle in an effort to heal and grow. Perhaps I have been using them as avoidance instead, but then what should I be doing, or to whom should I be turning, to heal and move on at the appropriate time?

Knight of Cups

[My interpretation:] Stop chasing after dreams that can never be (daydreaming). Celebrate the pleasures of life, too.

Devil (XV)

Keep watch for obsessions. Don’t let any belief or practice overshadow my responsibilities to myself and others.

[Asked:] So, I’m looking too hard for answers?

6 of Swords

[My interpretation:] I’m not looking for truth but running away.

(This is a frustrating day for understanding.)

8 of Cups

I’ve “tasted” all the distractions & must now move forward, acclimating to the light & moving away from the darkness.

I have “dallied with desires and fancies” that kept me distracted from my path, from doing what I know I must. Time to turn away from shallow comfort & forge ahead.

(Great thanks. My new mantra for each morning: Today is the day that I will see more than I saw the day before.)[9]

 

Friday 28 May 2010

Doing tarot readings yesterday, [I] realized that I haven’t been hopeful in a long time, perhaps in months…not REALLY hopeful. There’s always been a fear pervading everything—fear of losing my vision further, fear of the headaches, fear of the increased CSF, fear of getting pregnant and having all these things again—you name it. And I never used to be like that. Now I’m trying to move more toward a state of apprehension regarding some things that are limited by my vision, but not fear. Caution and apprehension, but not fear. That’s my goal.

And to help with the hope, I wrote a prayer-chant on a piece of paper and taped it on the window behind the curtains that I open first thing when I get up every day: Today is the day that I will see more than I saw the day before. It helps put me in the right frame of mind, of hopefulness, getting me out of bed in the morning instead of just curling up and lying back down. And it feels almost like a spell—a mantra, if you will. …

And when I got out of the shower this afternoon, I looked at the cracks left in the plaster patch above the door leading from the bathroom to the laundry room, and I saw the finer bits of the cracks that I haven’t seen since before my vision nearly went. And I saw some mold patches up near the ceiling on that same wall. They’re small mold patches, and I’m frustrated, because they need cleaned, but I’m happy, because I can see them. … This is a hopeful day, and I’m going to enjoy it for what it is.

 

Saturday 29 May 2010

Oracular Reading

Asked to be told abt the day

Recent Past—The Hermit IX
Current—Judgment XX
Future Influences—The Sun XIX

Has been a time of withdrawal, contemplation, simply existing for a while

Being called to do something. Drowning it out w/ noise of my daily life. May be afraid of the call and the changes it will bring, but listen to it and face it w/ courage & action. It promises a more fulfilling life. Transformative energies surround me. A choice is here & must be made now.

Peaceful contentment w/ the world & its workings. Prosperity is possible now in relationships & career. Good time to plant new crops or begin new projects. Good health, recovery, and happiness. Spend time out in the sun. May not be used to such ease & happiness. Don’t fight it. Enjoy as much as poss[ible]

 

Notes

[1] Ralph H. Blum and Susan Loughan, The Healing Runes

[2] I understood that last rune a few years later. It’s not that a situation was going to evolve in which everything was challenged; instead, it meant that (at the time of this reading), everything was being challenged. The new situation was that my inner strength was going to be providing support and guidance, finally, as I trusted it.

[3] Ralph H. Blum, The Book of Runes, p. 104

[4] As I read it now, I see how much I was being reassured. What it says is exactly what happened, and yet, at the time, as evidenced by my next question to the oracle, I could (can) be really dense in the moment.

[5] I was still focused on the little picture, the “triviality” of my sight, but the oracle was trying, repeatedly, to explain that this was the catalyst for tremendous improvement in my life. I was still caught up in the idea of God restoring my sight rather than my vision.

[6] You can see here that I started listening to the messages coming in from Spirit, rather than simply reading the descriptions about the cards from their books. I was letting myself begin to trust the impressions, rather than just the messages explained in the books. The handwritten entry in my journal is full of arrows pointing from one piece of text to another, arrows I drew as I finally let the information from the Universe wash over me. I record the text in this entry in the order it was written, the order it came to me, but I note before or after if an arrow is drawn to or from it, and to/from what. Some of the text is directly from the oracular book descriptions, but the arrows indicated that I was being “shown” exactly what each piece applied to.

[7] All passages in this entry come from Ralph Blum, The Book of Runes. Parenthetical notes were my reflections and responses at the time of the reading.

[8] STFU and GBTW = “Shut the fuck up and get back to work.”

[9] “See” here was meant in the sense of spiritual understanding.

***

Thank you for allowing me to share this part of my journey with you. Please let me know what you think so far and if you want to hear/read more of my story.

If this is the first chapter of my story that you’ve read or listened to, you can catch up by listening to all of the episodes on my YouTube playlist, starting here.

 

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