According to its definition, something unconscious—meaning a process that takes place in the mind without our knowledge and our control—is invisible for us. So we need someone else to hold up the mirror so that we can see our own conditioning. We could now argue that no one could know us better than we ourselves, but the nature of conditioning means that we cannot see it on our own. …

Conditioning could be called the programming of our brain. Our brain is the computer, and our way of thinking, with the limitations mentioned above, is the software. In order to achieve more freedom of action beyond this obstacle, the programming must only be seen with clear eyes. Seeing something with clear eyes means not assessing it, not judging it, but simply seeing it as it is. By seeing clearly, the identification is broken and the conditioning loses its power, the power of unconsciousness.

—Frank Arjava Petter, Reiki: The Legacy of Dr. Usui (pp. 62–63)

 

I finished last week’s blog post by saying, “If we, unlike the folks in Fahrenheit 451, are willing and able to keep reading and learning and engaging, and if we are willing to experience temporary mental and emotional discomfort, we can always and forever learn from the past—if we are willing to face it, to consider it, to look at the implications and results. It is a work that is never done. But it is the only option for improving ourselves as individuals, as a society, and as humans.”

A friend of mine said she would love to see suggestions on ways to do that work, things I would recommend specifically.

I shied away from making suggestions because, although the original post used current events as a discussion point, I really did mean the post to be about our individual challenges, whatever we each have in our pasts to reckon with, and I think that might look different for everyone.

But I take very seriously my commitment to improving myself as a person, and if people are asking me for help and advice, I should not shy away from it. That is part of my own overcoming of the past: overcoming my tendency to sit quietly in the corner, not rock the boat, and not speak unless I am spoken to, assuming that no one wants to hear what the fat girl has to say.

What Changed My Mind

I honestly had no idea how to give advice to people on how to overcome their pasts. While I was contemplating how in the world to start this conversation and which direction to take it, however, the Universe made it clear to me. On Facebook, I saw a post from Lily,[1] a member of my family who is a person of color (POC), about an awful—but not uncommon—experience she had. (You may want to skip this, as it can be triggering. Although triggers can offer us exceptional opportunities for growth, only you can decide for you.)

One day I was pumping gas at a station. Minding my business, about 8 months pregnant maybe.

“Pregnant nigger!” “Stop making nigger babies!” “You pregnant nigger baby maker”…… And you know what I did? I just stood there. Quiet. I didn’t even cry until I got into the car and busted into the house and cried in my future husband’s arms because for the second time that week I was called a nigger.[2]

(I learned while we were talking about this later that these white men yelling at Lily waited until they were in their car and were driving away before they uttered these words. As she said, “It’s easier to target others when they know they are literally getting away while doing it.”)

I was heartbroken. Appalled. I know this happens. I’ve never seen such a thing firsthand, but I know it happens. But reading this account hit me harder than so many others. Maybe because Lily is a member of my family. Maybe because I know her and her beautiful spirit personally. Maybe because it happened in a “liberal” state. Maybe because I was able to put myself in her pregnant shoes. Maybe because it recalled something of my own childhood traumas of having complete strangers call me a fat pig and a fat slob. Maybe it was all of these things.

Starting the Conversation

I am about as white as you can get and grew up with hardly any POC around, so I didn’t feel at all qualified to talk about or give advice other than “be excellent to each other.” I also don’t want to make assumptions or say things that hurt or harm rather than help. But I also feel that avoiding discussion entirely is disingenuous, and that silence hurts in its own way. So I’m stepping out of my comfort zone and doing my best. I asked Lily directly about her experience and about how white people can be allies.[3]

The most important thing for white people to do, “for now,” Lily says, is to become educated. She recommends watching documentaries and otherwise educating ourselves. “It’s uncomfortable,” she says, “but really the point is trying to put yourself in the other shoe, so to speak.” She pointed out that she also had to do this herself, that she “learned that [she] needed to wake up.” Part of her own education has been in reading When They Call You a Terrorist: A Black Lives Matter Memoir.

Lily has also found that leaving Facebook for almost two years helped her lead a more balanced life and see the world from a more balanced perspective. “It’s the biggest platform for my voice right now, though. So have to make lemonade out of something. I am scared though. I don’t have answers. I am still ignorant in ways. All I can do is try to stay positive, work hard. Not be silent.”

And I think that’s the best any of us can do: try to stay positive, work hard, and not be silent.

Resources for the Future

Over the next few weeks, my posts are going to discuss a few more tools and ways that we can help ourselves and each other in our own overcoming of the past, both related to race and not. (After all, we cannot change the world for the better unless we also change ourselves for the better.) In the meantime, Lily has shared an amazing list of resources for all of us who want to start or continue educating ourselves on a whole host of issues related to racism[4]:

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/u/0/d/1SLi6ZB8DKs3bhuH5LtABmNB1Z_dpF_mUkzTnnzfqYto/htmlview

It is my most sincere wish that you find this list helpful in examining your own conditioning regarding racism and in finding a way to challenge racism.

And if you feel you need resources for examining your own conditioning related to something other than racism, please let me know, and I will do my best to help you find the resources you need. Let’s all be excellent to each other.

 

Notes

[1] Name changed to protect her identity.

[2] Edited to remove identifying information.

[3] It is important to remember that this is the experience and opinion of my family member, however, and not all POC will share all of her views—but this is a place to start.

[4] This resource was shared with everyone in the organization she works for, for their own education and to help others be aware that there are “real, credible resources to learn from.”

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