This post is the eleventh in a series that shares my Divine team talk (conversations with and insights from my Divine team) since March 2020. (In case you missed it, you can find the first here.)
Disclaimer: This week’s post contains only one journal entry because the entry itself is fairly long. It’s also fearful and downcast, and somewhat hard to read because of that. But hang in there, because it’s important. At the end of the post, I talk of the lesson that was coalescing in my life. I wasn’t quite seeing the lesson and the work I needed to do when I wrote the following journal entry, but I can see it clearly now, more than a year on.
27 May 2020
[I wrote of more physical discomforts. They were relatively small annoyances but had been popping up periodically for several months, apparently unaffected by anything I tried. As a result,] this afternoon, feeling … not defeated, but ground down. Bone-tired. Weary.
Like I’ll never be successful because I’m trying to do too many things. But I do so many things just trying to get financial traction somewhere. [My publishing clients] pay … for now … a little. But soon, I’m going to be done with that, ready or not. I’m trying to build long-range vision, a plan, but I just can’t seem to see. … No, that’s not right. I used to create plans, visions, but they kept falling through. And now I feel defeated by the world. Yes, in this moment, defeated.
***
Trying to remind myself of the message the Universe gave me today. Deliberation and consideration were what I needed to know. And Wakan Tanka[1] for [what I needed to] do. Find the Wakan within. Go deep within to hear the messages of Spirit.
Trying to maintain faith. But so tired, and my [muscles] have been tight and cramping all afternoon.
Must find my hope, my vision.
***
Five years, things have been tight and/or problematic with [my main publishing client]. For at least 3 of those, I’ve been trying to build an income separate from [that client], and the closest I’ve come is the occasional project from [another publishing client], which was an utterly unsustainable rate of pay.
I want to be done with [my main publishing client] because so far, [the new iteration of it] is not shaping up any better. [The founders] are not keeping up [with anything, including with] replying to the emails from interested authors—and I don’t want to be part of that. I could spend more time each day handling [that publishing client’s] emails, but I’m not getting anywhere with them, it feels like. I’m putting in [fewer hours a week] because I’m just exhausted and disheartened. I came in to [my latest role with this client] thinking I was going to help turn things around, but it all simply deteriorated in spite of my best efforts—and part of that is because I couldn’t pick up the slack for everyone else. I know I contributed, too, by not communicating better. More and more fell to me, and then I did less and less, partly because of overwhelm. Partly because I’m trying to take care of the kids too.[2]
But this is ridiculous. I’m in a Catch-22. Can’t just leave [main publishing client’s] business, because they occasionally pay me, and [my spouse’s] job doesn’t pay enough to cover the bills. But I spend so much energy on [the main publishing client’s] stuff that I don’t have enough energy to dedicate to building a business or finding a job. Fear is keeping me from jumping into any one thing all the way, so I’m not fully committing to anything.
Something has to give, or I’m going to break.
***
I was reminded [by my guides] that I feel fear because I am unable to see the future. I suppose the point my guides were trying to make is that they can see the future, so I should trust in them? (They say nothing.)
At any rate, I do remember, at least, that you don’t make big decisions when you’re in panic/stress mode. You stick to the plan that you created when you were in a clear frame of mind and flow.
***
One big thing that bothers me about [publishing client’s new business], I realize now, is that there’s nothing clean about the end of [the old business] and [the] beginning of [the new business]. It’s muddy and murky, and I’m getting no sense of closure or a fresh start, so it feels like an interminable purgatory.
***
[I just remembered the earlier-referenced message as I received it from my guides:] “You can’t see the future, so stop assuming it will be bad. You can’t see the future, which is why you create a vision and a plan for it—that’s the closest you can get so you can shape and mold now as close to that future as you can.”
Right, I forgot they told me this earlier. My memory has been for shit this afternoon.[3]
***
What’s This All About?
Starting with the Culture of Work
For years before this, my guides had been telling me to trust them, to have faith that we would be provided for. It was a long, slow process for me, though, because I had been arguing. I had spent 40 years being raised in and navigating our culture of work, with its message You must work to earn money, and earn money to survive, and the harder you work, the more money you make. Persistence pays off.
Finally, about a year and a half after our son was born, I think it was, I stopped arguing and started trusting. I had seen how they responded to my pleas and had arranged things after our son’s birth so we weren’t financially devastated.
From 2017 through 2020, the main struggle had been in trying to figure out how to follow my guides’ advice while also surviving within a country that hugely emphasizes a culture of work. The message they gave me this day reminded me that it was not up to me to figure out how, because I couldn’t see the big picture, didn’t have all of the information. I had been coasting along in a fairly comfortable work position for years, but now that was over, and I was being reactive rather than proactive.
Traveling the Divine Path
What I needed to do to be proactive was to create a vision of what I wanted, to focus on that vision, and to trust that my guides would work out the details. I should still create a plan—in fact, to not make a plan would go against every one of my instincts—but I should always remain certain—not hopeful, but certain—that all would work out in the way that best served me.
In staying certain, I would stop wasting time being fearful and would instead use that time to revise the plan for getting to the vision. Too few details about how to reach the goal might make me uncomfortable and fearful. But too many details would by stifling, providing too-strict parameters for my guides (and myself) to work with.
Moving Forward on the Divine Path
Next week’s post is going to have a more positive outlook, because rather than trying to be hopeful and trusting while also being fearful, I was finally—finally!—internalizing that wisdom and shedding my fear in favor of trust in the Divine.[4]
***
Notes
[1] This is the Lakota (Sioux) name for the sacred or the divine. The usual translation is Great Spirit or Great Mystery. Something that is wakan is holy.
[2] My older child had been home full time, either for distance learning or summer break, for more than two months at that point, and with my spouse now back to work full time, the kids’ care was left totally to me.
[3] Fear—which is always the cause of my stress—always makes me forgetful. I think it does this to most people. That’s why it’s imoprtant to plan when you’re clearheaded. Changing the plan when you’re fearful is just a recipe for disaster.
[4] I feel the need to point out here that I had had such trust for most of my young life. I don’t think it disappeared overnight but slowly dimmed as I went through the indoctrination of the culture-of-work world. (I started working for companies—rather than individuals and entrepreneurs— when I was 16, and they are very different experiences.) By the time I graduated college, though I had continued studying metaphysics, I was trying to use metaphysics within that culture of work in my daily life to fulfill the urges of my personality and ego, rather than to transcend the culture of work. I had it completely backward. My sudden blindness and other health problems were a pivot point, providing me the opportunity to get back on the path of living life with a Divine purpose rather than for the work-driven ego (or is that ego-driven work?).
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