After the increase of messages from Spirit in May 2010, I began ACTING on those messages more in June. The messages were still increasing in frequency, but they also started to include promptings and advice, rather than just commentary. I started to “sack up”—as my husband so eloquently calls it—and act on that advice. I even offered my work and my life to the Divine, and (somewhat accidentally) to healing others. To my delight—and amazement, I must admit—the results were very positive.

This month contained so many messages and so much learning that I’ve broken the chapter up in two parts. This is part 1. Part 2 will follow next week. You can watch the YouTube video of the first part of chapter 19 using the following link, or read it below.

 

19. June 2010

Relationships … are specifically designed to help facilitate spiritual growth by strengthening our awareness of oneness with each other. In other words, they provide us with the opportunity to transform ourselves through honesty, self-dialogue, and reflection. —Blair Borders, Double Vision

Disease and healing are not just physiological processes. They are spiritual detonations. —Marc Ian Barasch (cancer survivor)

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass…it’s about learning to dance in the rain! —Vivian Greene

 

Tuesday 1 June 2010

I realized [today]—[for several days], my brain has been running 3 or 4 simultaneous trains of thought. I’m not quite up to actually multitasking yet, but my brain is functioning on multiple levels again! For the past few months, I’ve pretty much been limited to one train of thought, and it would periodically bump into a wall and just keep running into that wall until I did a mental reset. I’m so excited! I think my multiple functioning may be coming back! … Fabulous! …

***

Gamby hasn’t been doing well. … [T]hey don’t expect [her] to last another 48 hours and … they’re planning a memorial service for this weekend. …

I told [Mike] I’d help in any way he needs me to, because it’s my turn now that I’m feeling better and he took care of me when I was sick and we always have to leapfrog our little “breakdowns” (that made him laugh)—I reminded him that I’m feeling good enough that I can do everything but drive to make this situation easier for him and that I will do that, whatever it takes. …

 

Wednesday 2 June 2010

Oracular Reading

Drawing 1 card for any message—Spirit of the Wheel Meditation Deck

34—Illumination (Spirit Path of the East)—Divine Communication, Spiritual Knowing, Inner Light

Interesting to get this again. I’m taking this as a sign of doing things “right” recently, despite my self-administered setbacks. [My sense from my guides says] that’s correct, plus:

Opportunities come for me to be a builder of light & share my knowledge of spirit w/ others. Trust my higher self to guide me as I help myself & others in a quiet, loving way.

 

Friday 4 June 2010

Oracular Reading

[Drew] 1 card—[open to] any message—Lakota Sweat Lodge Cards

3—Maka—Mother Earth

In near future, may find myself starting my life anew in some way. May have already begun the process. Embrace this new birth by releasing the images & symbols of the past and accepting the changes that come. Courageously step forth from the safety of the womb into the light of a new day. Feel the Earth’s support & energy giving me strength.

 

[This card] fell out when I was shuffling cards:

25—Mahpia—Cloud

“I wish for you, as for myself, wholeness. You may see a cloud when you look upon me, but know that I am only a servant, w/o direction.”

Time to learn from my addictions, “to begin resolving dissolute habits to realize the true dimensions” of my personal power.

 

Saturday 5 June 2010

Oracular Reading

Want to know about having a child …

King of Wands (reversed)

I am focused, determined, and driven. My ambition or social needs are engaged. For now, that’s all that matters.

(Don’t think abt this issue right now. You have other things to deal with.)

For clarity, drew again:

Six of Swords

(Running away. Fleeing without examining the beliefs I’m carrying with me. Acting on instinct to get pregnant, not making wise choice.)

Knight of Cups (reversed)

“Don’t let romantic ideals take you away from your path … [Don’t] chase after dreams that can never be.”

My heart is breaking…

***

Tonight, … I was looking at the pictures on [a friend’s Facebook] profile. [T]he pictures of [her, her husband, and her daughter] are brilliantly, amazingly beautiful. They just shine. Individually, the family members are adorable. Together, they are a force of happiness unrivalled by much in this world. I started crying from looking at them, they are so beautiful, so blissfully happy. I have to admit I did get a little jealous … but only a little, mostly because I miss being that happy, and because I want to have a baby just like that, too, but really, I want to be that happy again. I’m working on it, I know, and some days I come close, but Mike and I together haven’t been even close to that happy since I was pregnant.

I miss being happy just BEING. I miss being pregnant.

Now we’re constantly working and worrying about money and worrying about work and how to get places and see doctors and pay for health care and so much more. I wonder if we will ever be able to truly be as happy as we were last summer, when we were both home and Mike was working in the garden and we were preparing for a family and I was working for myself and I could drive everywhere I needed to go and Mike could choose to stay home or go with me. For two months, it was almost bliss. I think. Maybe I’m looking back at it through rose-colored lenses. But I remember being so very happy. Truly, money was the only thing we had to worry about.

Still, it’s not so bad now. Things are looking up—Mike started a [new] job … this week, and so far, he really enjoys it. And it looks like the job will provide pretty good job security. It doesn’t pay much, … but it pays more than his assembly job, … and it’s not monotonous. … [B]ut … when he’s home, I barely get to see him, as I’m trying so hard to work. And somehow failing miserably. I keep wasting time somehow, and I can’t always figure out how, and where, I’m losing it… it’s disheartening sometimes. …

Anyway, longing for that peace, that happiness, in our home again. We’re moving toward it again. I just wish we’d never had to go away from it (and in so many ways all at once)…

***

Last weekend, we … finally buried the fertility box that I made last year or the year before. … Mike dug the hole, and I put the box at the bottom, then put on top of it the oak seed that [friends] sent last October after the miscarriage. That seed never did sprout inside [the house] like it was supposed to—according to the directions, we were supposed to be transplanting a seedling instead of planting a seed outside—but I figured it has a better chance outside than it does on our kitchen windowsill. After Mike had filled the hole back in, I sent energy into the ground and silently thanked the fertility box for helping us conceive last year, then asked it to use that same energy to help the oak seed grow in honor of our child, who hadn’t made it into the world.

Finally, that loose end is wrapped up. I keep thinking that it signals a bit of healing, but I still cry when I think of what the box and seed represent—our child who never made it into our arms, though certainly into our hearts.

Still, grieving is a process, and I’m moving. I’m determined not to sit still and mope. That never did anyone any good.

 

Monday 7 June 2010

“The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice.” —George Eliot

Most days, I just live life as normally as I can, working and surviving. But then sometimes I’m just walking along and it suddenly hits me—the realization that I have lost so much of my sight. And it makes me sick to my stomach and instantly sad. Sometimes it makes me want to start yelling in anger at the world at how fucking cruel it is, at how much I hate it. Other times, I just get sad. Other times, I just wonder how amazing it is that the brain allows us to accommodate the change and [to] function despite the damage, and how cruel, at the same time, because the memory of what life was like before doesn’t go away.

When I have one of these “re”realizations of my blindness, I look around, almost surprised at how much I can’t see, when I really sit down and try to. And then the fear sinks in—fear that more of my vision has gone and that I simply haven’t noticed because I’ve fallen into complacency and stopped noticing how limited my vision is.

I want to rail at the heavens for this infirmity. But I know it will do no good. I know that my vision will return as God has willed it, or it won’t, but railing against my lot in life won’t change anything. I want to release my pain as anger, but I know how pointless it is, because anger is simply a response of helplessness and hopelessness, and no matter how good it might feel to give into, screaming and yelling and throwing things, ultimately, I’d just be left in a mass of tears and still with the helplessness and hopelessness.

I ask why, why must this be my lot in life? But I have the benefit of already knowing. This must be my lot in life because I must help others. Some would say instead that I feel I must help others because this is my lot in life. But I believe the two are the same, as [Viktor] Frankl said in Man’s Search for Meaning. Life has meaning because we give it meaning. The events in life have meaning because we give them meaning. And yet life has meaning simply because it is. The meaning of life is to live. And one’s purpose in life is whatever he chooses it to be, whatever she feels called to do, whatever we allow others to make us.

 

Thursday 10 June 2010

A really good day today with Tina and Becca. … It was simply hanging around, sitting on the porch and talking. … That’s what we did most of the afternoon and evening. It was great. … [W]e sat on the patio to enjoy the fabulous cool night air and look at the stars. …

I enjoyed it, but I was a little saddened by … how many stars I can’t see. … [N]ow I can really only see the bright ones. And if I looked at a star head-on, of course, it was often harder to see, and if I moved my vision just a smidge to the side, I couldn’t see one I [had] just [seen]. It was like [the star] had just gone out. That made me sad. And because of the way my eyes adjust, so many times, I could have sworn I saw planes because the lights were moving, could have sworn I was tracking the thing moving across the sky…but [there was really] nothing…no movement…it was just my eyes adjusting. Frustrating. …

I prayed right then and there that God returns my vision so I can truly see the stars again.

But a good day, and not sad. Happy.

 

Friday 11 June 2010

An intense evening. Becca, Tina, and I have been sitting on Becca’s front porch for about 4 hours, just talking ….

Deep, provoking. … [A]s one conversation wound down, I mentioned my spirit guides, so Becca asked me [for details]. I explained more about my spirit guides and what they do [and] … about the voice I had heard speaking to me in the hospital and the challenge it’s been for me to trust that voice. Tina, of course, remembers the challenge I’ve always had in trusting the voice, from way back when we were [in college]. …

And now my memories of the conversation run dim, like it was a transcendent moment that I’m supposed to remember without remembering the exact words. I can [remember] every single topic we discussed about [Tina’s life], but … about this, I can’t. I remember crying and that both Becca and Tina told me they are proud that I can acknowledge that I have the job to do. (I think that’s what the acknowledgment was about.) … I said that I had always been determined that I would change the world in a bunch of small ways, by touching individual lives, but not in any big way, but that the divine powers had always told me otherwise and I had always resisted but now I can’t, even though I still have a hard time believing it. I acknowledge the message and accept it but still have a hard time accepting that I am that important, that I can be that influential. Becca sat down on the concrete in front of me and held my hand and started talking.

Tina later said she loves it when Becca channels like that. Wow, Becca must have been channeling, because [everything she said was] every message I’ve been getting, but more clearly, with more details [such as]: Every time I wake up in the morning and think of how amazing it is that [Mike] has changed so much in the past few years, I need to realize and accept that that’s because of me. … The people we surround ourselves with are incredibly important, and they show the difference we make in the world. (I’ve always known this.) And when it feels like it’s too much and I don’t have the strength or the ability to do what I need to do, know that I can, because what I’ve been through and how I’ve come through it show that I most definitely CAN do what I need to do.

I cried the entire time she was speaking to me. I couldn’t look her in the eyes. But she held my hand, and we squeezed each other’s hands. Never before have I been given a message by someone that I trusted (the message) so completely. Not that it’s easy or that I like it, but I trust it. I have complete faith that the message was completely true and accurate.

Then Becca started looking around the rocks in front of the porch. I asked what she was looking for, and she said she would know it when she found it. … I told her I knew what she was looking for and told her in general where to look for it. There was a rock I’ve been studying from a distance for the past day or so, [that had] captured my eye because of its shape. … She picked up a different rock and handed it to me and told me of its importance in [her] rock garden. And then she gave me the other one, the one I’d been eyeing, the one I knew she was looking for. She told me she didn’t know why I needed it but that it was mine.[1]

Either then or earlier, she related my importance in the universe, in this role, this task of mine, to a discussion we’d had earlier about macrocosm versus microcosm and the human role in it. She said that despite me thinking I was going to touch the world in only small ways, maybe … the impact my life is going to have on the world is going to be big on the microcosm [scale], through many ways, touching many lives. Tina chimed in several times to say I’m going to do great things, [that] always, I’ve been going for great things. This message, my insides still squirmed at, though [I’m unsure] whether it’s the unwillingness to step forward and endure the great things, or the disbelief that I could possibly make such a difference … causing [me to squirm]. I believe the message my guides and the universe are giving me; I can trust that I can say important things, be the voice of the Divine—but being great? My modesty still tells me no, that’s not possible. And I’m reminded of the quote about those having greatness thrust upon them. … In my case, it’s because I don’t willingly accept greatness. I can accept and embrace being fantastic, being wonderful, but great, as in important? Wow…

 

Saturday 12 June 2010

I felt I needed to leave something at Becca’s, in her rock garden, as an offering for what had been given to me. She gave me two stones, but I only had one to leave. I have been carrying around a little pretty pocket stone since December or so. This is one I got probably in high school. … It came in a tiny felt pouch with a little strip of paper explaining that it’s a healing stone, that you put all your worries into it, etc. So I’d been carrying it in my pocket on most days [since the miscarriage]. Because I felt I needed to leave something, … I slipped the stone out of my pocket and laid it on the river rock of Becca’s rock garden. (The next day, I saw that it stuck out like a sore thumb … so I tried a bit harder to cover it, at least for now, so it can lie there until it’s found by the right person needing it at the right time.) …

[W]hen [I’d] gone in [to a local charity organization] for [a] pregnancy test [last year,] they had … [given me a] pin [with] two tiny little feet that represented the baby’s feet size at that developmental stage. I’d been carrying that pin around since not long after the miscarriage, hanging on to some physical connection [with] my baby [and carrying it with the healing stone]. …

[When I left Becca’s,] I wanted to take [the pin] with me, but I knew it was time to part with … those little feet forever. It certainly wasn’t easy, and I debated, but the message I was getting was loud and clear, and not from me: Leave them. You don’t need them anymore. (I’m struggling not to cry now at the thought of leaving them behind.) I didn’t know where to leave them … but I thought [Becca] needed them, so … I gave her the pin. I explained very briefly where the pin had come from and … that it was time for the little feet to walk. I asked her to take the pin and send it where it needed to go. She could keep it, I said, or give it to whomever she thought could use it in their lives. Either way, what was important was that I parted with it and gave it to her. I know it’s not important for me to know the rest, no matter how much I may want to.

Thus, I feel that talk [on Becca’s front porch] was a huge cleansing for me somehow. Even before that, I’d finally parted with the fertility box and the oak seed, and now the healing stone and the feet. I feel a little adrift without them anchoring me, but I think that’s the point. It’s time for my ship to find a new port of call. I’m done in that harbor, and though I feel a little trepidation, the current is gentle, as is the wind. …

[After leaving Becca’s] Tina and I stopped … at a [bookstore]. … I … walked [directly] to one set of … shelves and found 2 books I needed, [that] … I felt [are] necessary for me at this point … especially after the talk/channeling/purge from the night … before. I barely even scanned the bookshelves. These two popped out at me—amazing, since I can’t see even see a full title without moving my eyes along the spine any more. … [D]espite the cost … I got them immediately instead of waiting, I felt they were that urgent: The Mist-Filled Path by Frank MacEowen and Walkers Between the Worlds by Caitlin and John Matthews. … On my way out … I felt drawn again … to the Christian books. There I found The Other Bible, which includes Gnostic gospels, Dead Sea Scrolls, visionary wisdom texts, Christian apocrypha, Jewish pseudephigrapha, and Kabbalah all in one. I wasn’t going to get it, but flipping to only a couple of pages showed me that this is a collection I’ve been looking for—the texts were beautiful, and touching, more than almost all of the religious texts I have at home. … [A]ll of the books I … got … were a blend of religious traditions and not so firmly rooted in any one.

 

Monday 14 June 2010

Oracular Reading

Asked: What do I do now? (Broad life Q)
[Gilded Tarot]

9 of Cups (reversed)

“In Major Arcana IX, the Hermit goes off alone to solidify his knowledge and then he returns to the world to share it and help others. So this man has found his own way and hence has much to share w/ others.”

Do not enjoy my good fortune alone or hoard it. Share what [I] have w/ graciousness

Next in the deck: The Hermit

(May still need to go back and forth à [withdraw] to learn, emerge to share, [withdraw] to learn, emerge to share, etc. But don’t [withdraw] to avoid life. And be sure to share. Your purpose is to share/teach/be a conduit for the Divine.)

 

Spirit of the Wheel deck:

3—Father Sun (Direction, Illumination, Active Growth)

If I wisely use the energy surrounding me, directing it toward goals, my progress will be great.

Set boundaries, be assertive, and direct the changes I am working toward. Shadow side of myself is illuminated.

Each of us has opportunities every day to make a difference in the world. Shine my light on others and help them see more clearly.

Next in the deck:

29—Cleansing, Spirit Path of the North (Releasing Burdens, Detoxification, Energy Flow)

Sometimes we can’t change what happens in our lives, but we have control over our own reactions. Let things unfold now, even if fearful of what lies ahead.

This is especially telling after the cleansing that started w/ the burial of the fertility box and the letting go of physical representation … of the baby and my sadness [earlier this week].

***

I have been releasing burdens this week. I wonder if it has been harder to release any one of these burdens because of all the burdens that piled up at once—the miscarriage, the IIH, the vision loss. Each had its own grief and pain, and each had pain associated with the other, and all had pain associated with all [others]. I wonder if … the compounded grief and the required healing were so much more difficult because of the interplay, the twining together of each that made it difficult to release even a single burden. …

Of course, I haven’t released all the burdens. I still feel weighed down. But I am getting closer and closer to feeling joyful [more frequently], even as I cry a little several times a day. The tears are often in response to feeling the presence of Spirit, or in being given a message and recognizing it as truth (almost as if the sudden tears after a random thought are an indication that that thought was not a thought at all but a divine message), or in sheer joy at looking at others in happiness and glimpsing the face of God in their happiness. Was that the joy I used to impart in others with my smile? Could my simple smiles really brighten others’ days like other people’s smiles can now brighten mine? If so, oh, how truly blessed I was, to be such a bringer of Divine joy.

What glorious joys the spirit world must hold if I can be filled with so much joy that I want to burst just from seeing a happy family or a smiling child.

***

Meditated with the stone and crystal Becca gave me this week. Spoke with my spirit guides…the two main ones, I think. Covered many topics…including a mist-filled path and the response: The importance of not being afraid even when surrounded by the mist. My guides will take care of me and lead me. I don’t need to see where I’m going. Seeing where I’m going—seeing what’s coming, that is—causes me to plan, to prepare, rather than react in an authentic way. Regarding baby and becoming pregnant again, I have been told that I will [likley] have a baby again, I have been told not to dream of things that can never be. This time, I was told that what will happen is unclear, yet to be decided. We reviewed a few of my past lives that I know of, of me being left alone with the children but without my husband. I have chosen to have my husband for a long time in this life, and I will. But as for children, it is not for me to know yet, it is undecided. … I puzzled on these bits of information for a long time, asking questions of my guides, asking why I had been told I will have a child if I will not or if it is really undecided as of yet. Was told that I had been told this (having a child) to give me hope, to help me heal. I felt a bit miffed at this—how can I truly learn to trust the messages I receive if these were lies? I have received no lies, I was told, but there are things I cannot know right now. Went back to the discussion of the mist-filled path.

My meditation was interrupted, and when I tried to go back to it, I was told … this conversation [was over for now]. I went back to [review my notes of] my tarot reading that [had] told me not to dream of things that can never be. But the original card said that my social needs were being filled for now, and that was all that mattered. Even the follow-up card said this is simply something that I should not focus on now…I was running away from living my life, avoiding something by asking this question or dreaming this dream, I should not allow these distractions to pull me from my path. It was the third card that said I should not chase after things that can never be, but the main message was to not get pulled from my path. I began to despair, wondering how I could tell what my path was, to follow it. How can I follow my path if I don’t know what it is? But that was a knee-jerk reaction. Of course I know, in general, what my purpose is. And the mist-filled path (a metaphor that I have linked in my mind with my “cloud-filled” vision) is my path. I simply need to trust my guides to take me through and keep me safe. They told me in this discussion that I have chosen a bumpy path for this life, but a path of joy. More than once in my reading of the book about the mist-filled path, I have thought of these similarities between the obscurations in my vision (caused by the blind spots and damage) and the mist-filled path…a trusting, willing heart is required … to be led, to be taken care of by others who can see the path more clearly. As others can drive me where I need to go, so the Divine guides my life. As I can see almost nothing but what lies ahead of me and not to the side, so do I need to focus on my spiritual path and my future rather than [on] what has been done to me and what is going on too far away from me…

 

Tuesday 15 June 2010

Oracular Reading

Vague feeling of anxiety, shortness of breath. … Just want an idea of why

[Gilded Tarot]

1. King of Pents
2. Knight of Wands
3. V—The Hierophant

(Beware of working so hard for the material possessions and getting pulled away from your study, knowledge, and spiritual advancement. Be careful. My knowledge must be shared. Although like the king, I’m ready to rest, to not keep changing and working, the underlying nature of me is to push forward, to look for change. The experience gained & resulting knowledge push me, and I can become the hierophant, examining & questioning knowledge passed down to me before analyzing it and spreading my experiential & cognitive wisdom.)

 

reading w/ no Q in mind:

(All reversed:)
9 of Wands
VII—The Chariot
XVII—The Star

Defeat. Must retreat & regroup. Must compare what is believed to worldly experience & reconcile them. Beware despair. Do not give up. [Withdraw] to heal and learn, not [to] escape.

Control gained, but riddle of opposing ideas not yet solved. Achievement, but not understanding, is had. Recognize own inner strength & ability to keep order in the midst of chaos. Know [I] can achieve more than [I] think [I] can. Beware of turning away from ideas that puzzle me. …

Perfect faith, unity of thought & spirit. Everything happens in its own time. After a hard time, a better time will follow. When it comes, give self over to it. Immerse self in faith. Know heart will be refreshed & faith renewed. Beware lack of faith, of giving up. Don’t lose faith in the promise of hope.

 

Wednesday 16 June 2010

A few feelings of anxiety earlier this evening. I think it’s a result of the hormones. … and the fact that my vision’s grainy today, and I get a little pain spike occasionally in my head. The grainy vision and the pain spikes also go with the hormones since October, I’ve noticed, so I shouldn’t be too worried, but such is anxiety—it seizes on any opportunity and makes it worse. But I have calming thoughts. I pray now when I’m anxious and can’t get it to go away quickly. And although I am on the alert for my vision doing strange things that may require me going to Dr. L, I remain confident that God will heal me, because I have been told that it will be so.

Even a few months ago, I simply hoped that the message I had been given about my vision being restored was a real message and not my imagination. And I’d pray, saying that I trusted, but [reminding] God that I still wanted that healing to happen. But something has happened. Now I know it. The occasional doubt pops up very rarely, but I can get it to go away. I trust in God to restore my vision, just as I trusted my parents [when I was a toddler] to pick me up and comfort me if I fell. When the doubt creeps in now, I know it is only my body, my mind reacting out of fear, that very basic animal emotion. But my ultimate faith rests in the promise, the hope, that was given to me that my vision will be restored. It may be through the miracle of a laying on of hands or the miracle of modern technology or the miracle of prayer or the miracle of angelic visitation, or the miracle of the body gradually healing, but it will be a miracle.

 

Thursday 17 June 2010

[Tonight, I went outside], cleansed [an] area and requested the presence of ancestors, aspects of the Divine, and any other presences that were friendly and sympathetic. I thanked them for watching over us and healing us and working with us on this land. … I requested and invoked the power of the waxing moon to heal me further, to further the healing promised in me and already begun by the Divine. I asked for further protection and guidance from those who are always popping in to help us or always watching over us.

And I sat and enjoyed the lightning bugs as best I could while twilight faded into darkness. I stumbled over my words and didn’t focus ahead of time on using words of power, but I offered eternal and heartfelt thanks and used honest words. … I simply requested further help and healing and—quite accidentally—offered myself to help heal others. … But I didn’t take it back when I realized what I had done. I take the responsibility on fully. I know it’s at least part of my duty here, part of my calling on Earth. It may be that [other people] heal only through words I say and thoughts I set into motion, but if that’s my role, I fulfill it gladly. (I’d like to know I’ve made a difference in the world, but if I don’t learn that until after I’m dead, so be it.) I offer myself and my works for the good of the universe.

 

Note:

[1] It was a large chunk of amethyst. I carried it in my purse from that day through March 2017, and then it sat on my desk for more than a year when I first began doing intuitive readings and other energy work for others. It moves around my house, sitting in key places for months at a time, as necessary.

***

Thank you for allowing me to share this part of my journey with you. Please let me know what you think so far and if you want to hear/read more of my story.

If this is the first chapter of my story that you’ve read or listened to, you can catch up by listening to all of the episodes on my YouTube playlist, starting here.

 

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