“We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart.”

—Pema Chodron

In last week’s post, I shared a nasty encounter between a racist white man and Lily,[1] a family member of mine who is a person of color (POC).

The night I saw her post, I kept getting angry about what had happened to her. I didn’t want to contribute anger or nastiness to the collective consciousness, so instead of dwelling on what had happened, which would have only made me angrier, I thought of all the ways that, had I been there with her, I may have been able to help, to deescalate the situation.

I was acutely aware that I needed to tread lightly in my own thought experiment, so as to not tread into dangerous racist territory that white people who want to be allies can all too easily fall into: picturing themselves as the white savior swooping in to save the day (as is shown in so many films, for example).

 

Reasons We Don’t Get Involved

I was also aware, however, that we don’t always feel comfortable helping (we feel disempowered)—that we won’t be able to help, we will make the situation worse, and/or we will also become targets.

I recognize that those of us with greater privilege can be afraid to step in because we feel we have so much (more?) to lose. How many times have you heard someone shrug off something they’re about to do with “What have I got to lose?” or “How could it get any worse?” At a certain point, we reach our limit, and that is often when we finally take action, because we can’t possibly imaging things getting any worse. I imagine this is how many POC feel currently.

But most of us, at most times, have no problem imagining things getting worse. And so we don’t act, because “the devil you know …”

When we are flooded with fear and indecision, our brains fill with crazy half-formed thoughts that justify us walking away. But when we take the time when we are in safe and nonthreatening settings to really think through such situations, we can see how ridiculous some of those fear-fueled visions were.

 

Healing Our Own Trauma

I have used a practice of reenvisioning a situation throughout my life, especially after particularly painful and/or emotional encounters with others. Almost all of us have done this, picturing how things could have gone down if only we had spoken up, if only we had stood up for ourselves. If only. Such a practice can build resentment in us and disempower us, if we let it. But the key is to recognize it as a way to heal and to feel as if we’ve stood up for ourselves—even if hours, days, or years later, “even though in the moment that might not have been possible—or the safest thing to do,” says my friend Tracie, who has used role-playing in therapy to work through her own abusive childhood. Using the experiment in this way, we can feel empowered, by feeling better prepared for tough situations.

As Tracie reminded me, when role-playing, it is best “not to go on the path of revenge fantasies or anything that makes [us] feel hate-filled or self-righteous.” Although I would have loved to envision Lily’s gas-station encounter with the asshole who harassed her being put in his place—and such a thought experiment would have helped me feel better temporarily—it wouldn’t help anything in the long term. (Tracie also (wisely) points out, “This world is upside down right now, and we are in desperate need of loving kindness.”)

 

Picturing Our Involvement

I tried to think through what could have (maybe) helped Lily. I reimagined her situation and various people’s (not just mine) possible behaviors in it so that if ever I am confronted with a situation like it, I can maybe do something that improves or neutralizes—or at least doesn’t worsen—the situation. I believe it important to picture myself there and playing out a dozen or more scenarios, each time with just one small thing changed, to see how it could be different—or not. This is a good experiment to run later, whether we chose to walk away or step in. It can possibly help us alleviate the guilt we feel from not stepping in—by realizing what could have gone wrong if we had. Or it can better prepare us for the future.

When we have practice (even theoretical practice) with such situations, we can better maintain our calm and make the wisest choices when faced with them.

After reading about what happened to Lily, I did try to envision how things could have gone if I had been there. I considered how my whiteness and my being a female could work for either good or ill in the situation. At one end of the possibility spectrum is that the very presence of someone else would have prevented this man from saying anything. As Lily told me, “I also notice the times I am targeted. I am always ALONE. It is rarely with my fiance. We on occasion get looks, or stares. From all races we would get looks.”[2]

At the other end of the possibility spectrum is that I could have said something that triggered the man even further and escalated the situation to physical violence. Although I am usually pretty quiet in public, I can get mouthy when I’m angry, which could be dangerous in such a situation, with an antagonist who was not only racist but clearly also sexist.

We do also have to remember that using such exercises is no guarantee that in the moment we are confronted with such situations, we will be able to do anything differently than Lily did.

 

Sometimes It’s Best to Not Get Involved

My friend Tracie has used roleplaying successfully but also adds a caveat: “I feel like people are so unpredictable right now, though, it isn’t necessarily a good idea to try and engage when someone’s being hateful—although that goes out the window when I see it happening to someone else: Walk away when it’s you; help if it’s someone else.”

I was also sure to envision how the situation could have gone down for Lily if she had behaved in different ways or if some other bystander had done or said something.

When I talked to Lily about what happened to her, I also asked her what, if I had been there with her, she would have wanted me to do. Her perspective was similar to but also slightly different from Tracie’s: “I would not expect someone to speak up for me, if I didn’t expect myself to speak up for me. … If someone were to be with me I am sure I would’ve been more comfortable to speak up. … Being pregnant, I for sure did not want to fight or argue with some old white men who were just being assholes.”

In such a case, I think it safe to say if the “old white men” had actually gone further than only words and had begun to physically attack Lily, many of us would like to think we would have physically stepped in, given that Lily was pregnant, but it can be hard to say. There are many variables to consider. The situation changes if a physical attack is being committed with fists, compared to with a knife or gun. Perhaps calling 911 would help, perhaps not, if it’s an area where the police are known to be violent. Maybe if enough other people are present, we can marshal forces. But if we’re alone with our own children … In this case, our thought experiment teaches us to recognize “Okay, in this situation, I can’t/shouldn’t do X, but I can do Y.”

This is why it’s good to run the thought experiment in many scenarios. Ultimately, our reenvisioning and role-playing experiment is all about helping us to feel empowered—by helping us heal the pain we carry (whether it’s related to having a certain skin color, being abused, being privileged, etc.) and to have a clearer idea of how we can help things be different. We must remember always that to improve the world, we must begin with ourselves, and that requires practice, because change that is worthwhile is rarely easy or fast. In the words of Pema Chodron, “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” This holds true for both individuals and humanity as a whole.

Notes

[1] All names in this post have been changed.

[2] Lily’s fiance is white.

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