I sat down this morning to have a conversation with Vesta, who was on my schedule to “visit.” I’ve had a rough morning, my toddler waking me very early, then battling with the urge not to scratch my eczema-tormented feet. I’ve spent the better part of an hour meditating and performing Reiki self-treatments, both of which usually calm me, but I’m still agitated, itchy, and sleepy, rather than calm and energized, full of hope for the day.
With this mix of emotions, I am reluctant to reach out, figuring I will be unable to have a conversation with anyone, that the irritation of my skin and the agitation of my mind will keep me from being able to hear my visitor’s message. As ever, this peculiar mixture of fatigue, itching, agitation, and the hormones of this part of my monthly cycle combine to tell me that I’m a hack, that I’m making it all up, that there is no way that another entity is coming to speak with me.
But down deep inside, in the quiet, still part of myself, I know better. This is not a new argument, though it is one that does not arise often anymore, thanks to the work I do with clients and thanks to my (mostly) regular Reiki and meditation practices, which quiet the voice of that critic and let me better hear Spirit. After all, when I was unable to go back to sleep this morning and was performing my Reiki, wasn’t I told that my scheduled meditation/conversation would be the best help? And, of course, it is. As soon as I see the name of the person who will be speaking with me, I connect with her energy, and its gentleness is soothing my unbidden internal recriminations.
After taking a few more moments to further still myself, I thank Vesta for coming, then jump straight to thing I want to know this morning.
“Vesta, what can you tell me about this self-doubt that I experience? Will it ever go away?”
Based on what I’ve seen, no, it never will. You can only struggle with it. Your society tells you that this is an unlikely or even impossible thing, to have conversations with those who are unseen. It’s a mental illness, or you’re simply delusional—delusions of grandeur, yes, that’s the phrase. In previous times and cultures, it was not uncommonfor someone to speak with the spirits and for such a person to be revered, but they were also sometimes feared, sometimes hated. That may have been out of jealousy, out of disbelief—after all, critics did not simply suddenly pop up with the advent of Christianity and other monotheistic religions.
I pondered her answer for a few moments, and she waited silently by, apparently with infinite patience.
“Thank you, Vesta. My apologies for making this first about me, and my thanks for your attention, help, and patience. Can you tell me, please, the message you have brought for my readers, the reason you have come to speak with me?”
With a bit of mock surprise, she says, I came because you asked, of course.
As for the message? You, Stephanie, needed me this morning, so I came. You have no cause to doubt.
Here, my internal struggle made itself heard and seen again. “Sure,” my critic whispers, “there you are, reassuring yourself that you’re not crazy, that you’re special, that you have some ability that others don’t.”
And then Vesta and I both remind me that everyone has the potential for this ability, if they simply try. Perhaps not everyone can “dial the same phone numbers,” so to speak, but we can all do this to some extent.
Dissatisfied with this morning’s experience—particularly my state of mind and inner upheaval, I thank Vesta once more, apologizing for my troubles in carrying my part of the conversation.
Of course, she is patient, and I get the impression that she was on my list of people to speak to and came up at this time precisely because I would need her support.
So I ask her what support she has come to offer, and she gives me this prayer to pray when I’m experiencing doubt in my self or my Spirit-given abilities:
Dearest God, Mother and Father on high, fill me with your love, with your certainty. I feel doubt. I feel inferior. I feel not up to the task of being whom I was made to be. Please fill me with your loving presence. In this moment of doubt, I am unable on my own to feel the full glory of your presence within, the energy that connects us all, binding all life together. I feel like a doubting Thomas, doubting not you but myself within you, so I rededicate myself to your work, to the work that I have agreed to do, both within—for myself—and for others. Please help me to step past my fear of failure and my egoistic need to be certain, to be right, and help me to remember that I have been granted—and have accepted—this gift, have developed it, to help others, to help all of creation. Thank you, God, for this gift and for my doubts, because they keep me humble and only from a place of humility can I truly help others. Thank you, God. Thank you, God. Thank you, God.
Sources
1 Virtue, Doreen. Archangels & Ascended Masters: A Guide to Working and Healing with Divinities and Deities. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2003.
2 Conway, D. J. The Ancient & Shining Ones. St. Paul, MN: Llewellyn, 1994.
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